Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #1: 'Twilight'

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA...oh boy... Spoilers ahead... guaranteed... so if you haven't seen this movie, maybe it's best if you don't read this... I'm just sayin'.....

okay... HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!.... let's get down to it... HAHAHHAHHAHAHHA.... pheeeew.... HAHAHHAHA!!!

I'm officially through 375ml of Bacardi's 'Gold' rum and I get it. I get it. I get it! (Jason, this blog is for you!)

I've taken approximately 9 pages of shitty notes and I intend to make my way through them in this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight....

Here we go:

I'm not sure if I'm just going to go note for note... or if I'm even going to pay attention to my notes... 'cause.... I'm kinda wasted... HUZZAH!!! But, before I even begin.... Alice!!! Alice!!! Alice!!!

I have no idea if the story calls for more on her part... or even who the actor is... but, I mean this in all sincerity when I say, Alice was HOT!!!! I mean that as someone who looks at the character/actress as someone who is my own age (as opposed to a 16 year old girl... who is, in fact, portrayed by Ashley Greene who happens to be 22 years old.... who also, coincidentally, reminds me of Ashley Scott, who is retardedly hot!!!)...

The DVD began with a shitty, shitty, shitty trailer (I love trailers) about some crappy High School film starring some actress who starred in High School Musical... so I don't mind admitting I was slightly terrified when the very first image crossed the screen. But then they gave me an 'Astro Boy' trailer and a 'Push' trailer (which I happened to see in the theatres and was surprised to say I enjoyed way more than I thought I would) so they managed to regain a little ground off the bat.

Before I knew it, 'Twilight' headed off in some of the hottest, most romantic quotes ever to be recorded on film... but allow me to digress...

As I said, I had zero interest in seeing this film. But, if truth be known (unless you know me well enough to already know this truth) I love a sappy love story. LOVE! So, in the scope of filmaic heritage, movies like 'Armageddon' and 'Pearl Harbour' (another Kate Beckinsale film that deepened my love for her beyond reason) ring far truer for me than most anything I can hope to experience... except for the love for my loves... which, despite my efforts, all end in tragedy...

With that said, I feel the only way to properly express what this movie meant to me at the moment it was unfolding is to begin this review with the quotes that stood out to me... so, here we go...

"Dieing for someone you love seems like a good way to go"

Seriously... can you think of anything hotter?

"What if I'm the bad guy?"

Holy crizzap... I haven't spent a day in 25 years when I haven't asked myself this question...

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you any more"

ummmmmmmm... HOT!

"I'm a killer... I'm designed to kill"

"I don't care"

again... HOT!

"I don't want to be a monster"

Holy crap.... holy.... crap.......

"It's like a human only living on tofu... it keeps you strong, but never fully satisfies"

ummmm..... ummmmm.... hell yeah!

"The younger we start out in a new place, the longer we can stay there"

uuuuggghhhh.... I know the feeling all too well...

"No bed?"

"I don't sleep"

Bingo, vampiric douchebag... welcome to my world...

"Since when do vampires like baseball?"

"Well, it is the American past-time"

Terrible scene... but amazing undertones....

"Death is easy... peaceful. Life is harder"

A-effing-men, vampire brother!

Anyway... this movie was abso-smurfly terrible. Bad beyond bad. Horrible beyond horrible... for any and every reason you could possibly imagine. But, I seriously haven't seen a hotter movie in a long, long time... maybe since 'Weird Science'

I have page after page of notes I could comment upon... but the truth is, I'm a sucker for a hard fought love story and this movie had me pointing at the screen yelling "HELL YEAH!" even more than it had me laughing... loudly... which it did.

Would I recommend seeing this film?

No.

But only because I know what a critical world we live in... especially where cinema is concerned. If 'Fast and Furious' isn't as funny as 'Schindlers List,' we just don't give it it's proper respects. So, my official opinion of 'Twilight' is this: I absolutely hated it. I absolutely loved it! Alice is HOT!!!!!!!

The end!

p



Ashley Greene = Alice... uuuuuggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid...

One of the first concepts I had as a subject of writing when I considered beginning a stand alone blog (trust me... as simple as it is to just start a blog and write whatever comes to mind, my neurosis rolled around the idea for well over a year before I finally began this adventure...) was to do Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. The idea: get really, really drunk. Watch a never before seen movie. Write a review in my blog. Period. Not only did this offer up the opportunity to get wasted, watch films and write, but it also opened the door for me to... ummm... okay... you got me... there's no real moral high ground here, folks. In this case, the journey is the reward... and what a low brow journey I hope it will be.

So, without further adieu, lets get things rolling...

Tonight's movie will be 'Twilight.'

Now, before I begin let me say, I have absolutely zero interest in seeing this film. I've maybe seen the trailer for this movie 3 or 4 times tops... and every time I miss the last half because my eyes are rolled so far back in my head I've had to be rushed to the emergency room to have them straightened out again... apparently the fact that I'm not a 14 year old girl has caused me to be violenty allergic to this film. I think it's supposed to be about vampires with sullen looks and tweeny appeal... but that can't be right... right?

John Carpenters Vampires... now that's a vampire movie!

Underworld... not as vampirey, but c'mon... lets face it... Kate Beckinsale in a PVC body suit could sell Zyclon-B in Jerusalem (yeah, I said it)... and, therefore, another great vampire movie.

Shadow of the Bat... same... although, admittedly, not the same...

Hell, I'd even rather sit through Bram Stoker's Dracula just for the non-stop laughter Keanu's "British" accent provides me with. In fact, just thinking about it has me smiling from ear to ear. And really, I don't care what she steals from me, my love for Wynonna rivals Michael Jacksons love for... okay... I may make holocaust jokes, but I have to draw the line at MJ jokes... some things are just too easy...

This film, by comparison, just seem like a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad idea. However, being such an avid movie watcher, 'Twilight' was the only new DVD available that I haven't seen (and, technically, that's a lie... some crap, as drunk as I may be, will never be viewed if I can help it... but, considering my very real apprehension for seeing this film, juxtaposed against it's cult following, I almost couldn't help myself from diving into this celluloid nightmare). And you know what the real bitch about it was? I had a $17 late fee for 'Lego Batman' at the video store... so this better be worth it!

Alright. I've just finished my first Gold Rum and Rockstar. On my less than full stomach, I can sense already that this is about to get messy. I have some popcorn to make, a bag full of licorice to break into, and about 10 drinks left to get down before cutain time... but then it's on!

Be sure to check back in a few hours for this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight...

To get things started, here's the trailer... I highly recommend dialing 9 and 1... and as soon as you feel the hemmoraging start, have your mom dial that last 1... and try to get that hot nurse that always wants to check me for a hernia when I pop by... but make sure she warms up her hands first... swoon :)

p