So What If I'm The Slowest Writer On The Planet- Here's My Avatar Review

I have a pretty good imagination... Some would call it a curse, I call it Home.

Was that a pretty dramatic introduction? I'm working on my writing skills! also, wiping my ass with the opposite hand. You never know when a lightsabre duel (AKA "bus door") might claim the one you trust around your deepest, darkest... and you know you never realized until this very moment just how difficult that would be. Am I right? Of course I am. You're welcome.

But seriously, I do imagine stuff. You could pretty much say I live in a dream world with your reality as the staging ground for my absurdist ponderings... you could also pretty much say I'm exactly what your super hot, young sister has been needing... c'mon... say it! Not to me, Einstein... to her! It's this imagination that has made me a fan of movies since before dinosaurs roamed the Hollywood Hills. But as much as I love movies, there was always a two dimensionality to them that kept them from being as immersive as they could have been. If it were up to me, movies would, if they could, add.......... wait for it............ a THIRD dimension to them. And do you know what? Some other genius had the exact same idea! Yadda Yadda Yadda, Avatar!

Fantastic. Everything I hoped the beginning of a new era in movie making would be. Can't wait to see what follows. Imagine if The Exorcist had been filmed in digital 3D? Or a movie like The Blair Witch Project? Fight Club? Lord Of The Rings? Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure? Porn?

Things are about to get good :)

Anyway, with that said... *** SPOILER AHEAD (not really) *** Admit it... you totally couldn't take your eyes of those blue, 3D boobies either! Ten feet tall or not, I'd show her the full sickness of my jungle fever, if you know what I mean... 'cause I sure as hell don't...

So... that's my review. Go see it... and see it in 3D... even if that means booking a flight to another country to do it. If you've only seen it in 2D, demand your money back and see it again in 3D. If they give you a hard time, show them your 3D fist until they give up... or you go to jail [Please Note: Thirty4Point5 is not responsible for any prison time incurred by any readers incarcerated for acting upon said blogs suggestions of ultimate awesomeness... but I would definitely find it funny].


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Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #4 - Halloween II

When Rob Zombie made House Of 1000 Corpses in 2003, it seemed as though a new voice had emerged with a stark and brutal approach to the age old genre of horror films. That movie made me feel genuinely "uncomfortable" which, for someone who's been heavily immersed in horror films since I was knee high to a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels, is kind of saying something.

When the fledgling director's follow up movie, Devils Rejects, was released in 2005, I didn't go to the theatre to see it. Instead, I waited until I could sit at home and watch it alone in the dark, wasted, with a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels... I was so anxious about what that movie was going to be like that I actually paused and questioned whether or not I really felt like subjecting myself to a viewing. I had been to the San Diego Comic Con earlier that year and sat in on an open panel discussion with Rob Zombie and a majority of the cast... who, it seemed, had been genuinely traumatized by the experience of acting out what had been birthed by Zombie's vision. But I did subject myself to it, and it was definitely everything I had anticipated, and it was all kinds of awesome! Now that was a horror film for our times!

After the success of Devils Rejects, the studios, who had once locked Zombie out of the editing room in an effort to put an end to the production of his first film, were now fighting tooth and nail to turn the new horror "visionary" loose on one of their guaranteed money-making franchises. When the dust had settled, one clear winner rose to the top of the bloodied and mangled heap; Dimension Films remake of Halloween.

The 1978, John Carpenter written and directed, original Halloween is one of horror film's classic moments in history. With that one film in 1978, Carpenter was unknowingly inventing the modern horror genre and setting the table for the countless future film makers who would turn antagonistic homicidal maniacs into protagonist pop-culture icons. With Halloween, he had unintentionally created the horror movie franchise.

30 years later, after Hollywood had long lost it's ability to conceive new ideas to put to film, Rob Zombie took a whack at reinventing the psychopath that started it all. Moving the story in new directions that explored the building blocks necessary to create a monster like Michael Myers, Halloween's emotionless killer, his efforts successfully managed to create a modern telling that reverse engineered the self effectuating legend from early violent youth to full-blown homicidal maniac adulthood.

* Everybody content with the groundwork above? Yes? Terrific. Make sure you ask any questions now. I'm starving and waiting to get my guts around entirely too much pizza... but I'm typing this bullshit instead so we better be clear: Horror Movies = Good. Rob Zombie and John Carpenter = Good. House of 1000 Corpses, Devils Rejects, Halloween = Good. Okay? Okay... Onward and upward... *

With this groundwork in place, I ignored all the negative reviews floating around about the new Halloween II film and drug my dumb ass to the theatre to do the only respectable thing I could do get really wasted, sneak into the theatre through the back door, buy a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn (which, coincidentally, actually cost more than a real Cadillac) then proceed to waste a couple hours of my highly valuable life and check it out for myself.

Here's the kicker: For this viewing, I had the entire theatre to myself... and I'm talking a full, Jurassic Park sized theatre! So, imagine you're me *I call that burning sensation you're imagining "Ashley Greene, Kate Beckinsale and Scarlett Johansson" * and you have a bit of that Devils Rejects anxiety running through you. You're about to view a private screening with a film who's main character is the progenitor of horror movie gold for decades to follow and you have a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn clogging your colon. How could anything go wrong? My only concern was the whiplash I was guaranteed to receive from constantly looking over my shoulder...

But the movie sucked.

Here's the trailer anyway...



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Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #3 - The Last House On The Left

Okay, when I say I'm gonna do something, I do it, damn it! (or I make up more and more feeble excuses over time until the excuse mutates into something fantastic about you... like your new deodorant! Is that designer? Really? You smell like I imagine sex with Ashley Greene would be like... I'm classy) So, for you, dear readers, I've exposed myself to the recently-remade-and-now-out-on-DVD 'The Last House On The Left'... then the neighbour started yelling things at me like, "Why are you exposing yourself to the TV with the windows open? Put some pants on or I'm calling the cops!" Something like that. I wasn't really paying much attention, but what a whiner! Boo hoo, buddy. Boo hoo.

After the cops tased me and duct taped my pants to my hips, I cooked up some perogies and checked out the latest addition to Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews - The Last House On The Left

Maybe you remember, or maybe you're high and your short term memory is shit right now... either way, as you may or may not recall (DUCK!!! that was for the high readers... totally love messing with the DUCK!!! damn... you really are high...) the original, Wes Craven directed version really messed with my head when I saw it as a child. It was really brutal and dealt with subject matter I wasn't old enough to comprehend. In the end, it really put a dent in my cinematic psyche. But, when I found out about the remade version, I was actually a little excited. I figured it would be modernized, which would strip away the look of the original that was so low budget it had a real documentary feel to it. In that film, the low budget look lent to the awfulness of the subject matter in ways that a highly polished, big budget film simply couldn't duplicate. Also, for the most part, all the recent horror remakes have been toned down for the summer crowd consumption... so clearly they weren't going to emulate the harshness of the original.... right? Well, one out of two ain't bad...

Outside of the typical, grievous bodily harm, the thing that made the original film so horrible was the intensity of the sexual violence (I'm actually making a face of disgust at the screen as I type that). It's what really sets the stage for the depth of brutality in the second half of this film that, at it's core, is basically a revenge film. The plot is simple: Bad people rape and attempt to murder a young girl then end up unknowingly taking shelter with the girls parents. The daughter manages to return home and the parents extract an insanely brutal, vengeance-based assault... free of audience judgement because we've been exposed to their motivation in great depth.

What I was hoping beyond hope was that this film would succeed for me this time... and I'll tell you why (did you ever doubt): I gave too much credit to the human race. I really believed that in this day and age, a modern audience does not need to see a 10 minute rape scene on a 70' wide screen for any reason at any time to set the stage for any form of motivation. I really thought we were knowledgeable and compassionate enough at this stage of our evolution that just hinting at what had occurred would be enough to incite a theatre to riotous rage... but apparently I was wrong. And you know... With just the hint, I would watch the parents cut every person in a 10 mile radius into squishy bits with a butter knife and a blowtorch for 18 hours of real-time mayhem. But having to be exposed to it at length (and yes, I keep using that word for a reason... because I don't feel like I've watched a movie as much as I've been exposed to it)... while the girl watches her friend dying of stab wounds just out of arms reach, ejected me so completely out of the story that I could only focus on the rest as a technical exercise.

So... I don't know. Lots of people have told me they liked the movie... but I think it's more just the thrill of revenge that they like. I pretty much wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.

The End.

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Groovy Sneak Peak!

Allllllright. Just thought I'd throw this up in this piece for some shitzingiggles. This is a first look at Jive Talkin' DJ Willie Supreme... your looooooove doctor with all the medicine you need, right here, at Thirty4Point5... except it was KLW LUV 104.5 in the script... but I can take liberties... right, copyright holder? That's right! Please don't sue me, Ira. Sometimes, when I eat shoe-polish, I get a little crazy... crazy... I sometimes get... mmmmmm, shoe-polish. Could someone please pass me the mustard?

As I was saying, this was my character in the film I worked on this past weekend. Now tell me, honestly, that's one fine moustache! Am I right? Of course I am... sometimes. Okay, never...

The filming is now complete and the post-production is underway. The story, thus far, is that it will be shown at the Anza Club here in Vancouver after it's finished... so I'll keep you posted.

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p.s.... I did finally see all of Wolverine. I was going to write a complete review, but I'll just make it short and sweet: It's a movie about Wolverine. Sure it's different than the comics... but... ummm... grow up Nerdkins, the comic book isn't exactly biographical... it's a 'comic book'... it's not real... if Wolverine suddenly becomes a shrew, who cares??? Anyway... it's a comic book movie, far from the worst of them. Hugh Jackman is still Wolverine, the history is different from the comics, there's some unnecessary CG shots that the movie would have benefited without, but it was fun, the action was good, I'd see it again (and I will).

Not everybody has to be critical about everything. It's okay if some of us lighten up and find ways to enjoy whats in front of us instead of finding clever ways to complain about what's missing. Open your mind or you'll miss your life.

Thus Spoke Zarathustra

True Dat!

Okay. So. Stupid life has been taking up my stupid time. Man, everything is so stupid! * Except me... and Ashley Greene... we're still totally awesome! Anyway, I'm going to do my best to shrug off some responsibilities in the very near future and get you 50cc's of Blog, STAT!

In the meantime, here's 2 things 4 you:





1) Do I ever love me some energy drink. mmmmmmm, mmm! Yes sir! And as a mix for Gold Rum... even mmmmmmm, mmm-ier! Now, I've tried them all... from Red Bull, to Rockstar, to Xenergy, to crack... no... wait... skip that last part. Crack is bad... as a mix. But now, thanks to some very clever product placement in 'Fast and Furious'... what?... Paul Walker personally coerced me into getting my fix on with a drink called NOS... just like the nitrous they inject into their cars in the movie! See, kids, that's called clever marketing! Now, because I'm an advertisement sponge... kinda like Spongebob if Spongebob were awesome... I just had to test drive (how's that for clever wording? see... it's topical... so it's... never mind...) some for myself... and who knows, maybe if I'm as cool as Paul Walker's character, I could hook up with that girl from the movie that he [spoilers ahead] hooks up with. So I tried some! Now, I don't know dick about cars, Nitrous, or chicks that Paul Walker character's would hook up with, but I do know one thing: this drink gets me tweaked! With 343mg of caffeine per bottle, if you just chug a bit off the top, then replace that with 2 of those Rockstar shots (with 200mg of caffeine each), drop in a double shot of Jagermeister... then I'd guess you'd have a trip to the cardiologists for an alllllllll nighter! Guaranteed! Personally, I haven't tried this concoction yet... but I'm curious what 743mg of caffeine and a puke inducing quantity of Jager would do for maintaining the journalistic integrity of the infamous Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. [Anyone want to take bets on whether I make it through a movie alive? * I'm betting everything I've got on SIDS (Stupid Idea Death Syndrome)...]







2) What you're looking at in this tiny image to the left (click for a larger image) are the first two shirt designs for Thirty4Point5 (that's this blog for those of you who wear crash helmets and drool bibs... which, ladies, I happen to find hot... especially since I know that pretty much guarantees you're available...) The top one says (since I know you cant read it) 'Thirty4Point5 [hearts] Ashley Greene' and has the blog URL across the back in shameless advertising fashion (see Paul Walker, I'm learning!)... and the second, if you're not so clever and can't figure it out, just says 'Thirty4Point5' also with the URL on the back. Now... I'm pretty sure they'll be selling for about $25 each... not because I think I'm Bono and anything I stick my stink-fingers into is worth a mint... but because, let's face it, there's probably only about 2 people on the planet who want them and quantities that low don't come cheap (if you need a stack, Ashley, give me a call and I'll see if i can't knock them down a buck or two for you) But, if for some obscene, irrational reason you think you might like to replace that old A-TEAM t-shirt you sleep in with something guaranteed to land you hot chicks like my girl, Ashley, then hit me up and I'll deliver the goody-good-goods.

That's pretty much it.

Tomorrow is geek Friday, so I've taken the day off to go see that movie about that hairy guy from the movie 'Australia'... Huge Jackass, or something... what's it called again? Wolverton? Whatever... expect a review laden with unappreciated spoilers.

Also, the next film I'll be in gets shooting this weekend as well! I'm really looking forward to it... mostly 'cause I'm kinda all about shaving off this beard I've grown so I could cut out a lush pimp-stache for the character... and 'cause acting is fun! It's like when the cops stop you and you have to explain that, though you look over 30, you're definitely 14 and, therefore, he should stop worrying about why he rolled up on the street to find you with your tongue in his daughters ear... it's all about the performance in the moment, man. Can you dig it?

And I swear... that interview with Deniz is coming. It turns out my ambitions were bigger than the average blog-reader's attention span and I've collected entirely too much information and need to trim it down so you won't just blow over it... 'cause Deniz is the bomb... and he'll blow your shit up if you don't pay attention to what he's got to say (he talks a lot of trash about Vancouver and Paris. Are you all fired up now?)

So... yeah... that's it!

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Oh! It's On!!! Totally Wasted Movie Reivews #2 [teaser]: The Spirit

That's right kidlings! It's time for another epic chapter of Thirty4Point5 presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews!

Tonight's movie will be 'The Spirit' based on the Will Eisner comic book series with director and screenplay credits going to Frank Miller. Sure 'Sin City' had it's cache, and '300' was pretty epic, but something about this movie just never felt right to me from the trailers... and just reminded me that Frank also wrote 'Robocop 2'... so... yeah..... we'll see.

I figure, in a worst case scenario, I'll have the obscene pleasure of drooling my drinks through the on screen graces of Eva Mendes, Jamie King and Scarlett Johansson (call me!)... even if this movie isn't as good as 'Twilight' *that's a joke... unless your Ashley Greene... in which case I mean it most sincerely (call me!) it should make for something good to dream about later (I'm simple... and single! ladies???)

Here's the plot summary from imdb

Rookie cop Denny Colt returns from the beyond as The Spirit, a hero whose mission is to fight against the bad forces in Central City.

aaaannnddd... the trailer!



Be sure to check back tomorrow to see how this movie held up against a jug-o-tequila...

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Hunger: Intense, Visceral, Painful. A Must See.

* Warning: Historical spoilers.
In 1981, after four and a half years at Maze Prison in Northern Ireland, Bobby Sands, IRA "terrorist," beaten, humiliated and denied status as a political prisoner by Margaret Thatchers regime, organized and carried out a last ditch ultimatum in the form of a self-imposed hunger strike that lasted an agonizing 66 days before his death. Unblinking in the face of doom and certain of his convictions in the name of right and just freedom, his protest, emulated by many others in his wake, grabbed the attention of the world and brought his struggle to the forefront of immutable doctrine in the United Kingdom. Hunger, the new film directed by Steve McQueen, grants us an almost too intimate recounting of the conditions and struggle leading up to and through his final days. Gritty, visceral, startling in it's delivery and lingering in it's clarity, Hunger hearkens back to an old-school, raw form of film-making long lost to the flash and glitter of today's cinematic exploits. The narrative is relatively straight forward but in it's stark delivery we're not so much entertained as we are exposed to the fragile humanity within us all.

Brilliantly acted, beautifully shot, painfully crafted and delivered, the performances carry us away from our accustomed anticipations and expectations and, instead, exist at depths beyond actors portraying characters... at one point clobbering audiences with a twenty plus minute one-shot of the final meeting between martyr and priest that's absolutely incredible.

There's a lot to be said and judged about the events leading up to his imprisonment, but political agendas aside, Hunger is a relentless exposure to an incredibly harsh existence and the paths to which it lead.

I openly admit I love a great deal of throw-away cinema, but I definitely know a work of bitter genius when I see it. Hunger unquestionably falls into a very unique and elite class of movie making. It's not going to ring with everyone... and it's definitely not for anyone looking to hit the theatre on cruise control... but it simply should not be missed.

Hunger opens on Friday, April 17th and if you claim to have even the slightest interest in film-making, I would highly recommend you make your way to a theatre this weekend for a viewing. During the screening, several people left the theatre in the face of such a harsh and intense experience. I would suspect this is a good indication that the average movie goer simply isn't going to be investing their entertainment dollars which can only lead to a limited run... and you won't want to miss this on the big screen.

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Michael Fassbender, known for his role as Stelios in Frank Miller's 300, starved himself for two months to portray Bobby Sands

Advance Screening: Hunger (I hope it's not inappropriate to stuff my face with popcorn...)

Well folks, tonight I'm off to the advance screening of Steve McQueen's 'Hunger.' Although it's highly unlikely (meaning highly probable) that this will be round two for Totally Wasted Movie Reviews, I'm still looking forward to getting my film on (that's cool guy talk for watching a movie. Hollywood, readers, it's where I spent a chunk of my youth... right down the street from good ol' Charles Bukowski... which might explain why I do Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. Awwwwww... Chuck is probably shedding a tear right now... that is, he would... if his tear ducts hadn't decomposed post-mortem).

Anyhoo.... here's the plot summary from imdb

Hunger follows life in the Maze Prison, Northern Ireland with an interpretation of the highly emotive events surrounding the 1981 IRA Hunger Strike, led by Bobby Sands. With an epic eye for detail, the film provides a timely exploration of what happens when body and mind are pushed to the uttermost limit. Written by Icon

Look for my review later tonight... or tomorrow... depending on whether or not I stumble home to my bed... or yours (my pass is for two, ladies!). Word!

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Until then... check out the trailer... it looks all kinds of heavy and amazing:

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid...

One of the first concepts I had as a subject of writing when I considered beginning a stand alone blog (trust me... as simple as it is to just start a blog and write whatever comes to mind, my neurosis rolled around the idea for well over a year before I finally began this adventure...) was to do Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. The idea: get really, really drunk. Watch a never before seen movie. Write a review in my blog. Period. Not only did this offer up the opportunity to get wasted, watch films and write, but it also opened the door for me to... ummm... okay... you got me... there's no real moral high ground here, folks. In this case, the journey is the reward... and what a low brow journey I hope it will be.

So, without further adieu, lets get things rolling...

Tonight's movie will be 'Twilight.'

Now, before I begin let me say, I have absolutely zero interest in seeing this film. I've maybe seen the trailer for this movie 3 or 4 times tops... and every time I miss the last half because my eyes are rolled so far back in my head I've had to be rushed to the emergency room to have them straightened out again... apparently the fact that I'm not a 14 year old girl has caused me to be violenty allergic to this film. I think it's supposed to be about vampires with sullen looks and tweeny appeal... but that can't be right... right?

John Carpenters Vampires... now that's a vampire movie!

Underworld... not as vampirey, but c'mon... lets face it... Kate Beckinsale in a PVC body suit could sell Zyclon-B in Jerusalem (yeah, I said it)... and, therefore, another great vampire movie.

Shadow of the Bat... same... although, admittedly, not the same...

Hell, I'd even rather sit through Bram Stoker's Dracula just for the non-stop laughter Keanu's "British" accent provides me with. In fact, just thinking about it has me smiling from ear to ear. And really, I don't care what she steals from me, my love for Wynonna rivals Michael Jacksons love for... okay... I may make holocaust jokes, but I have to draw the line at MJ jokes... some things are just too easy...

This film, by comparison, just seem like a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad idea. However, being such an avid movie watcher, 'Twilight' was the only new DVD available that I haven't seen (and, technically, that's a lie... some crap, as drunk as I may be, will never be viewed if I can help it... but, considering my very real apprehension for seeing this film, juxtaposed against it's cult following, I almost couldn't help myself from diving into this celluloid nightmare). And you know what the real bitch about it was? I had a $17 late fee for 'Lego Batman' at the video store... so this better be worth it!

Alright. I've just finished my first Gold Rum and Rockstar. On my less than full stomach, I can sense already that this is about to get messy. I have some popcorn to make, a bag full of licorice to break into, and about 10 drinks left to get down before cutain time... but then it's on!

Be sure to check back in a few hours for this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight...

To get things started, here's the trailer... I highly recommend dialing 9 and 1... and as soon as you feel the hemmoraging start, have your mom dial that last 1... and try to get that hot nurse that always wants to check me for a hernia when I pop by... but make sure she warms up her hands first... swoon :)

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