Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #4 - Halloween II

When Rob Zombie made House Of 1000 Corpses in 2003, it seemed as though a new voice had emerged with a stark and brutal approach to the age old genre of horror films. That movie made me feel genuinely "uncomfortable" which, for someone who's been heavily immersed in horror films since I was knee high to a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels, is kind of saying something.

When the fledgling director's follow up movie, Devils Rejects, was released in 2005, I didn't go to the theatre to see it. Instead, I waited until I could sit at home and watch it alone in the dark, wasted, with a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels... I was so anxious about what that movie was going to be like that I actually paused and questioned whether or not I really felt like subjecting myself to a viewing. I had been to the San Diego Comic Con earlier that year and sat in on an open panel discussion with Rob Zombie and a majority of the cast... who, it seemed, had been genuinely traumatized by the experience of acting out what had been birthed by Zombie's vision. But I did subject myself to it, and it was definitely everything I had anticipated, and it was all kinds of awesome! Now that was a horror film for our times!

After the success of Devils Rejects, the studios, who had once locked Zombie out of the editing room in an effort to put an end to the production of his first film, were now fighting tooth and nail to turn the new horror "visionary" loose on one of their guaranteed money-making franchises. When the dust had settled, one clear winner rose to the top of the bloodied and mangled heap; Dimension Films remake of Halloween.

The 1978, John Carpenter written and directed, original Halloween is one of horror film's classic moments in history. With that one film in 1978, Carpenter was unknowingly inventing the modern horror genre and setting the table for the countless future film makers who would turn antagonistic homicidal maniacs into protagonist pop-culture icons. With Halloween, he had unintentionally created the horror movie franchise.

30 years later, after Hollywood had long lost it's ability to conceive new ideas to put to film, Rob Zombie took a whack at reinventing the psychopath that started it all. Moving the story in new directions that explored the building blocks necessary to create a monster like Michael Myers, Halloween's emotionless killer, his efforts successfully managed to create a modern telling that reverse engineered the self effectuating legend from early violent youth to full-blown homicidal maniac adulthood.

* Everybody content with the groundwork above? Yes? Terrific. Make sure you ask any questions now. I'm starving and waiting to get my guts around entirely too much pizza... but I'm typing this bullshit instead so we better be clear: Horror Movies = Good. Rob Zombie and John Carpenter = Good. House of 1000 Corpses, Devils Rejects, Halloween = Good. Okay? Okay... Onward and upward... *

With this groundwork in place, I ignored all the negative reviews floating around about the new Halloween II film and drug my dumb ass to the theatre to do the only respectable thing I could do get really wasted, sneak into the theatre through the back door, buy a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn (which, coincidentally, actually cost more than a real Cadillac) then proceed to waste a couple hours of my highly valuable life and check it out for myself.

Here's the kicker: For this viewing, I had the entire theatre to myself... and I'm talking a full, Jurassic Park sized theatre! So, imagine you're me *I call that burning sensation you're imagining "Ashley Greene, Kate Beckinsale and Scarlett Johansson" * and you have a bit of that Devils Rejects anxiety running through you. You're about to view a private screening with a film who's main character is the progenitor of horror movie gold for decades to follow and you have a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn clogging your colon. How could anything go wrong? My only concern was the whiplash I was guaranteed to receive from constantly looking over my shoulder...

But the movie sucked.

Here's the trailer anyway...



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Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #3 - The Last House On The Left

Okay, when I say I'm gonna do something, I do it, damn it! (or I make up more and more feeble excuses over time until the excuse mutates into something fantastic about you... like your new deodorant! Is that designer? Really? You smell like I imagine sex with Ashley Greene would be like... I'm classy) So, for you, dear readers, I've exposed myself to the recently-remade-and-now-out-on-DVD 'The Last House On The Left'... then the neighbour started yelling things at me like, "Why are you exposing yourself to the TV with the windows open? Put some pants on or I'm calling the cops!" Something like that. I wasn't really paying much attention, but what a whiner! Boo hoo, buddy. Boo hoo.

After the cops tased me and duct taped my pants to my hips, I cooked up some perogies and checked out the latest addition to Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews - The Last House On The Left

Maybe you remember, or maybe you're high and your short term memory is shit right now... either way, as you may or may not recall (DUCK!!! that was for the high readers... totally love messing with the DUCK!!! damn... you really are high...) the original, Wes Craven directed version really messed with my head when I saw it as a child. It was really brutal and dealt with subject matter I wasn't old enough to comprehend. In the end, it really put a dent in my cinematic psyche. But, when I found out about the remade version, I was actually a little excited. I figured it would be modernized, which would strip away the look of the original that was so low budget it had a real documentary feel to it. In that film, the low budget look lent to the awfulness of the subject matter in ways that a highly polished, big budget film simply couldn't duplicate. Also, for the most part, all the recent horror remakes have been toned down for the summer crowd consumption... so clearly they weren't going to emulate the harshness of the original.... right? Well, one out of two ain't bad...

Outside of the typical, grievous bodily harm, the thing that made the original film so horrible was the intensity of the sexual violence (I'm actually making a face of disgust at the screen as I type that). It's what really sets the stage for the depth of brutality in the second half of this film that, at it's core, is basically a revenge film. The plot is simple: Bad people rape and attempt to murder a young girl then end up unknowingly taking shelter with the girls parents. The daughter manages to return home and the parents extract an insanely brutal, vengeance-based assault... free of audience judgement because we've been exposed to their motivation in great depth.

What I was hoping beyond hope was that this film would succeed for me this time... and I'll tell you why (did you ever doubt): I gave too much credit to the human race. I really believed that in this day and age, a modern audience does not need to see a 10 minute rape scene on a 70' wide screen for any reason at any time to set the stage for any form of motivation. I really thought we were knowledgeable and compassionate enough at this stage of our evolution that just hinting at what had occurred would be enough to incite a theatre to riotous rage... but apparently I was wrong. And you know... With just the hint, I would watch the parents cut every person in a 10 mile radius into squishy bits with a butter knife and a blowtorch for 18 hours of real-time mayhem. But having to be exposed to it at length (and yes, I keep using that word for a reason... because I don't feel like I've watched a movie as much as I've been exposed to it)... while the girl watches her friend dying of stab wounds just out of arms reach, ejected me so completely out of the story that I could only focus on the rest as a technical exercise.

So... I don't know. Lots of people have told me they liked the movie... but I think it's more just the thrill of revenge that they like. I pretty much wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.

The End.

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Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews - The Sub-Plot (AKA Dexter)

Always thirsty for entertainment, I've recently taken on the series 'Dexter' to see if it holds up to some of the amazing things I've seen come out of serialized drama in the past few years (i.e. Six Feet Under, Lost, Rome, True Blood, Generation Kill, Etc.) and I have been far from disappointed.

So, to warm up for tonight's Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews - The Last House On The Left, I've been watching the most recent (for me) episode of Dexter (which happens to be Season 2 Episode 2). And, WOW. This series hasn't let me down for a second... and, maybe it's the tequila (that I'm 10 shots into), or maybe it's true... but this has been one of the most focused episodes on everything that I've come to love about this series.

I did take some notes... but first, this commercial announcement...

As mentioned, tonight's tequila is Hornitos - Resposado from Sauza. As far as tequilas go, I've found it to be one of the smoothest, most floral tequilas I have tried. It goes down smooth from first taste to final palate and has an oddly fruity quality to it's flavour that makes the 15 plus shot count (so far) not seem like an exercise in tolerance...

Anyway, before I begin the official start of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #3 - The Last House On The Left... here are some of the thoughts I've had about the incredibly enjoyable series, Dexter... as it's related to this episode and the series in general:

First... for a unique and uncharacteristically cast character, Dexter's sister Deb, played by actress Jennifer Carpenter, is so hot it hurts! She's very unique looking and pretty far outside the realm of typical Hollywood beauty, but damn is her character ever hot!!! I say "character" because maybe she's a twat in real life (I'm officially bringing back the word "twat"... isn't it great?)... either way... whether real or fiction, that girl is someone I just want to put my arms around and love... and do dirty, dirty things to...

Second... the characters are amazing in this series! I'm totally into each and every one of them. What a spectacular cast and equally well written characters!

The writing on this series is superb. I'm all about the one liners, and I've taken note on a couple that I'll post below...

"I'm not human"

"No. Just Fucked up"

Great!

"Where do I put Chino when I'm done with him?"

This line is officially BRUTAL because it so very casually exposes the monstrosity that is our Hero... but, to the credit of the writers, they stepped it up tenfold by making this the next line...

"So, this is the man that stands between me and Death Row"

Trust me... these lines are out of context... but borne of the weight of the first season, these lines are heavy-ass shit! The writing on this series is absolutely unbelievable! Though, I admit, I wasn't 100% sold at first... but once these characters become clear to you... it's a little staggering how well they're written...

Anyway... this episode knocked my socks off! Can't wait to get into the next one! But, for now, it's time to get the main event underway! Check back soon for some totally incoherent babble about the film, Last House On The Left...

Until then, Happy Drinking!

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Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews, The Party: Brokeback Mountain

Okay... Jason gave me the idea of having Totally Wasted Movie Reviews be about more than just myself and a bottle of tequila. So I expanded the concept to include a group of friends whilst we took in (post tequila and chicken enchiladas) Brokeback Mountain.

Now... I could write a bunch of fluff about how I felt about this movie... but let me set the record straight: by the time the movie started, I was way too wasted to follow the movie from one minute to the next.

The company I had was incredible. I'm not very social, so to have my living room filled with people I didn't want to kill was an acceptable start to the evening. The dinner I made them all meant the world to me (it was chicken enchiladas with fresh fried chips and home-made salsa)... but, as far as the movie was concerned, I may as well have been asleep... almost.

See, I've never seen Brokeback Mountain before... but I get the concept of lost love... especially "lost love" after a dozen shots of tequila!

So... I dunno... I suspect this movie was pretty good... it looked good when I could shut the hell up long enough to look at the screen. But, when dude goes to other dudes parents place... and sniffs his cowboy gear... 'cause he's dead... I cried like a little bitch... in front of a half a dozen people (which I'm not the least bit embarrassed about).

Anyway... I wish I could have afforded more tequila... 'cause, in my opinion, this night ended way too soon. But the depth of F'ed up emotions I feel for lost love probably couldn't have taken more than what I was capable of putting together for this bunch.

Was the movie worth it's accolades?

I dunno... I can barely type!

But probably... it looked pretty solid.

I'll watch it again when there's less pressure and I can cry by my lonesome...

Until then... I wish I wasn't already feeling tomorrows hangover right now...


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p.s. Anne Hathaway should hook up with me... 'cause... like... she's hot and stuff.

True Dat!

Okay. So. Stupid life has been taking up my stupid time. Man, everything is so stupid! * Except me... and Ashley Greene... we're still totally awesome! Anyway, I'm going to do my best to shrug off some responsibilities in the very near future and get you 50cc's of Blog, STAT!

In the meantime, here's 2 things 4 you:





1) Do I ever love me some energy drink. mmmmmmm, mmm! Yes sir! And as a mix for Gold Rum... even mmmmmmm, mmm-ier! Now, I've tried them all... from Red Bull, to Rockstar, to Xenergy, to crack... no... wait... skip that last part. Crack is bad... as a mix. But now, thanks to some very clever product placement in 'Fast and Furious'... what?... Paul Walker personally coerced me into getting my fix on with a drink called NOS... just like the nitrous they inject into their cars in the movie! See, kids, that's called clever marketing! Now, because I'm an advertisement sponge... kinda like Spongebob if Spongebob were awesome... I just had to test drive (how's that for clever wording? see... it's topical... so it's... never mind...) some for myself... and who knows, maybe if I'm as cool as Paul Walker's character, I could hook up with that girl from the movie that he [spoilers ahead] hooks up with. So I tried some! Now, I don't know dick about cars, Nitrous, or chicks that Paul Walker character's would hook up with, but I do know one thing: this drink gets me tweaked! With 343mg of caffeine per bottle, if you just chug a bit off the top, then replace that with 2 of those Rockstar shots (with 200mg of caffeine each), drop in a double shot of Jagermeister... then I'd guess you'd have a trip to the cardiologists for an alllllllll nighter! Guaranteed! Personally, I haven't tried this concoction yet... but I'm curious what 743mg of caffeine and a puke inducing quantity of Jager would do for maintaining the journalistic integrity of the infamous Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. [Anyone want to take bets on whether I make it through a movie alive? * I'm betting everything I've got on SIDS (Stupid Idea Death Syndrome)...]







2) What you're looking at in this tiny image to the left (click for a larger image) are the first two shirt designs for Thirty4Point5 (that's this blog for those of you who wear crash helmets and drool bibs... which, ladies, I happen to find hot... especially since I know that pretty much guarantees you're available...) The top one says (since I know you cant read it) 'Thirty4Point5 [hearts] Ashley Greene' and has the blog URL across the back in shameless advertising fashion (see Paul Walker, I'm learning!)... and the second, if you're not so clever and can't figure it out, just says 'Thirty4Point5' also with the URL on the back. Now... I'm pretty sure they'll be selling for about $25 each... not because I think I'm Bono and anything I stick my stink-fingers into is worth a mint... but because, let's face it, there's probably only about 2 people on the planet who want them and quantities that low don't come cheap (if you need a stack, Ashley, give me a call and I'll see if i can't knock them down a buck or two for you) But, if for some obscene, irrational reason you think you might like to replace that old A-TEAM t-shirt you sleep in with something guaranteed to land you hot chicks like my girl, Ashley, then hit me up and I'll deliver the goody-good-goods.

That's pretty much it.

Tomorrow is geek Friday, so I've taken the day off to go see that movie about that hairy guy from the movie 'Australia'... Huge Jackass, or something... what's it called again? Wolverton? Whatever... expect a review laden with unappreciated spoilers.

Also, the next film I'll be in gets shooting this weekend as well! I'm really looking forward to it... mostly 'cause I'm kinda all about shaving off this beard I've grown so I could cut out a lush pimp-stache for the character... and 'cause acting is fun! It's like when the cops stop you and you have to explain that, though you look over 30, you're definitely 14 and, therefore, he should stop worrying about why he rolled up on the street to find you with your tongue in his daughters ear... it's all about the performance in the moment, man. Can you dig it?

And I swear... that interview with Deniz is coming. It turns out my ambitions were bigger than the average blog-reader's attention span and I've collected entirely too much information and need to trim it down so you won't just blow over it... 'cause Deniz is the bomb... and he'll blow your shit up if you don't pay attention to what he's got to say (he talks a lot of trash about Vancouver and Paris. Are you all fired up now?)

So... yeah... that's it!

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Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #2: The Spirit

Okay... I'm totally wasted (11 shots of tequila... I kept a running tally)

This totally awesome review is for the "film" The Spirit... see 2 posts ago for a synopsis 'cause, seriously, I can't recap...

Anyway... this review is the bomb... here we go:

The Spirit... FAIL!!!

I'm seriously only about 15 minutes in and I can't watch another second. What a waste of tequila!!!

Rather than waste any more of my wastedness on a review, I'll say this: don't waste your time... not even one second. And, if you watched the trailer I posted, I apologize for wasting those moments of your life.

Instead, here are the notes I was taking as I was wasting 15 minutes of my life!

[spoilers ahead]

***

Trailers: Blue Ray T2 = Awesome!

Hulk vs... - Awesome!

Crank / Transporter - LAME!

Opening visually captivating

Sin City?? LAME...

Action solid... so far

Thumbs up

Eva Mendes :)

Bathroom Break - I'm F-Bombed up (11 shots)

Frank Miller cameo lame

Underwater scene - wizzeak!

Sound design nice... as far as sounds... but wrong in a cinematic sense. Incongruous.

Samuel L. Jackson first words, "Heads up" (then he hits The Spirit with a head) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!

Scarlett Johansson!!! (Call me!)

Eyelashes??? 72 pt. "WTF???"

If it wasn't for you, dear reader, I would have shut this off now.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!

Sorry... I can't watch this...

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p.s. Watching 'Lost in Translation' instead... at least until I pass out. Say... does anyone know how to get vomit stains out of a white, ultra-suede couch?

p.p.s. Have I mentioned how much I love Scarlett Johansson's character in Lost in Translation? 'Cause I kinda do... (Call Me!)

Departures

Okay... I'm 5 shots into my preparation for Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #2: The Spirit... and I'm already feelin' it.

While I'm prepping, I'm watching the only television show that means anything to me... Departures. It's a travel show... but it's so much more! Every time I watch it, it strips away a piece of my soul. It's so beautiful, so entertaining and so inspirational I don't really think I can put into words how it makes me feel.

This concept of staying in one place, working one job for fifteen years, settling down to one culture, or the lack thereof, is such a heinous waste of a human life... and Departures reminds me of that every week.

Here's the link to the shows website... I highly recommend you introduce yourself and get on board. You're seriously denying yourself of something amazing if you don't...

Departures

Every time I watch Departures, I just want to run far and run fast... but, unfortunately, dear readers, I simply can't afford to live the life of a global nomad... so, if you happen to be a bazillionaire looking for a travel companion... I'll leave tomorrow... and if you happen to be a smokin' hot female bazillionaire, I'll head outside RIGHT NOW and wait for the first cab to get me to the airport.

Damn, this show bums me out... it's just way.too.good.

Someone please get me out of here!!!

"How am I supposed to watch the show when I'm too busy living it?" - Justin Lukach - claiming a plot of Antarctica with Scott Wilson for Departures... (seriously, made me teary eyed...)

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Oh! It's On!!! Totally Wasted Movie Reivews #2 [teaser]: The Spirit

That's right kidlings! It's time for another epic chapter of Thirty4Point5 presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews!

Tonight's movie will be 'The Spirit' based on the Will Eisner comic book series with director and screenplay credits going to Frank Miller. Sure 'Sin City' had it's cache, and '300' was pretty epic, but something about this movie just never felt right to me from the trailers... and just reminded me that Frank also wrote 'Robocop 2'... so... yeah..... we'll see.

I figure, in a worst case scenario, I'll have the obscene pleasure of drooling my drinks through the on screen graces of Eva Mendes, Jamie King and Scarlett Johansson (call me!)... even if this movie isn't as good as 'Twilight' *that's a joke... unless your Ashley Greene... in which case I mean it most sincerely (call me!) it should make for something good to dream about later (I'm simple... and single! ladies???)

Here's the plot summary from imdb

Rookie cop Denny Colt returns from the beyond as The Spirit, a hero whose mission is to fight against the bad forces in Central City.

aaaannnddd... the trailer!



Be sure to check back tomorrow to see how this movie held up against a jug-o-tequila...

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Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #1: 'Twilight'

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA...oh boy... Spoilers ahead... guaranteed... so if you haven't seen this movie, maybe it's best if you don't read this... I'm just sayin'.....

okay... HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!.... let's get down to it... HAHAHHAHHAHAHHA.... pheeeew.... HAHAHHAHA!!!

I'm officially through 375ml of Bacardi's 'Gold' rum and I get it. I get it. I get it! (Jason, this blog is for you!)

I've taken approximately 9 pages of shitty notes and I intend to make my way through them in this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight....

Here we go:

I'm not sure if I'm just going to go note for note... or if I'm even going to pay attention to my notes... 'cause.... I'm kinda wasted... HUZZAH!!! But, before I even begin.... Alice!!! Alice!!! Alice!!!

I have no idea if the story calls for more on her part... or even who the actor is... but, I mean this in all sincerity when I say, Alice was HOT!!!! I mean that as someone who looks at the character/actress as someone who is my own age (as opposed to a 16 year old girl... who is, in fact, portrayed by Ashley Greene who happens to be 22 years old.... who also, coincidentally, reminds me of Ashley Scott, who is retardedly hot!!!)...

The DVD began with a shitty, shitty, shitty trailer (I love trailers) about some crappy High School film starring some actress who starred in High School Musical... so I don't mind admitting I was slightly terrified when the very first image crossed the screen. But then they gave me an 'Astro Boy' trailer and a 'Push' trailer (which I happened to see in the theatres and was surprised to say I enjoyed way more than I thought I would) so they managed to regain a little ground off the bat.

Before I knew it, 'Twilight' headed off in some of the hottest, most romantic quotes ever to be recorded on film... but allow me to digress...

As I said, I had zero interest in seeing this film. But, if truth be known (unless you know me well enough to already know this truth) I love a sappy love story. LOVE! So, in the scope of filmaic heritage, movies like 'Armageddon' and 'Pearl Harbour' (another Kate Beckinsale film that deepened my love for her beyond reason) ring far truer for me than most anything I can hope to experience... except for the love for my loves... which, despite my efforts, all end in tragedy...

With that said, I feel the only way to properly express what this movie meant to me at the moment it was unfolding is to begin this review with the quotes that stood out to me... so, here we go...

"Dieing for someone you love seems like a good way to go"

Seriously... can you think of anything hotter?

"What if I'm the bad guy?"

Holy crizzap... I haven't spent a day in 25 years when I haven't asked myself this question...

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you any more"

ummmmmmmm... HOT!

"I'm a killer... I'm designed to kill"

"I don't care"

again... HOT!

"I don't want to be a monster"

Holy crap.... holy.... crap.......

"It's like a human only living on tofu... it keeps you strong, but never fully satisfies"

ummmm..... ummmmm.... hell yeah!

"The younger we start out in a new place, the longer we can stay there"

uuuuggghhhh.... I know the feeling all too well...

"No bed?"

"I don't sleep"

Bingo, vampiric douchebag... welcome to my world...

"Since when do vampires like baseball?"

"Well, it is the American past-time"

Terrible scene... but amazing undertones....

"Death is easy... peaceful. Life is harder"

A-effing-men, vampire brother!

Anyway... this movie was abso-smurfly terrible. Bad beyond bad. Horrible beyond horrible... for any and every reason you could possibly imagine. But, I seriously haven't seen a hotter movie in a long, long time... maybe since 'Weird Science'

I have page after page of notes I could comment upon... but the truth is, I'm a sucker for a hard fought love story and this movie had me pointing at the screen yelling "HELL YEAH!" even more than it had me laughing... loudly... which it did.

Would I recommend seeing this film?

No.

But only because I know what a critical world we live in... especially where cinema is concerned. If 'Fast and Furious' isn't as funny as 'Schindlers List,' we just don't give it it's proper respects. So, my official opinion of 'Twilight' is this: I absolutely hated it. I absolutely loved it! Alice is HOT!!!!!!!

The end!

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Ashley Greene = Alice... uuuuuggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid...

One of the first concepts I had as a subject of writing when I considered beginning a stand alone blog (trust me... as simple as it is to just start a blog and write whatever comes to mind, my neurosis rolled around the idea for well over a year before I finally began this adventure...) was to do Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. The idea: get really, really drunk. Watch a never before seen movie. Write a review in my blog. Period. Not only did this offer up the opportunity to get wasted, watch films and write, but it also opened the door for me to... ummm... okay... you got me... there's no real moral high ground here, folks. In this case, the journey is the reward... and what a low brow journey I hope it will be.

So, without further adieu, lets get things rolling...

Tonight's movie will be 'Twilight.'

Now, before I begin let me say, I have absolutely zero interest in seeing this film. I've maybe seen the trailer for this movie 3 or 4 times tops... and every time I miss the last half because my eyes are rolled so far back in my head I've had to be rushed to the emergency room to have them straightened out again... apparently the fact that I'm not a 14 year old girl has caused me to be violenty allergic to this film. I think it's supposed to be about vampires with sullen looks and tweeny appeal... but that can't be right... right?

John Carpenters Vampires... now that's a vampire movie!

Underworld... not as vampirey, but c'mon... lets face it... Kate Beckinsale in a PVC body suit could sell Zyclon-B in Jerusalem (yeah, I said it)... and, therefore, another great vampire movie.

Shadow of the Bat... same... although, admittedly, not the same...

Hell, I'd even rather sit through Bram Stoker's Dracula just for the non-stop laughter Keanu's "British" accent provides me with. In fact, just thinking about it has me smiling from ear to ear. And really, I don't care what she steals from me, my love for Wynonna rivals Michael Jacksons love for... okay... I may make holocaust jokes, but I have to draw the line at MJ jokes... some things are just too easy...

This film, by comparison, just seem like a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad idea. However, being such an avid movie watcher, 'Twilight' was the only new DVD available that I haven't seen (and, technically, that's a lie... some crap, as drunk as I may be, will never be viewed if I can help it... but, considering my very real apprehension for seeing this film, juxtaposed against it's cult following, I almost couldn't help myself from diving into this celluloid nightmare). And you know what the real bitch about it was? I had a $17 late fee for 'Lego Batman' at the video store... so this better be worth it!

Alright. I've just finished my first Gold Rum and Rockstar. On my less than full stomach, I can sense already that this is about to get messy. I have some popcorn to make, a bag full of licorice to break into, and about 10 drinks left to get down before cutain time... but then it's on!

Be sure to check back in a few hours for this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight...

To get things started, here's the trailer... I highly recommend dialing 9 and 1... and as soon as you feel the hemmoraging start, have your mom dial that last 1... and try to get that hot nurse that always wants to check me for a hernia when I pop by... but make sure she warms up her hands first... swoon :)

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