Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #4 - Halloween II

When Rob Zombie made House Of 1000 Corpses in 2003, it seemed as though a new voice had emerged with a stark and brutal approach to the age old genre of horror films. That movie made me feel genuinely "uncomfortable" which, for someone who's been heavily immersed in horror films since I was knee high to a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels, is kind of saying something.

When the fledgling director's follow up movie, Devils Rejects, was released in 2005, I didn't go to the theatre to see it. Instead, I waited until I could sit at home and watch it alone in the dark, wasted, with a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels... I was so anxious about what that movie was going to be like that I actually paused and questioned whether or not I really felt like subjecting myself to a viewing. I had been to the San Diego Comic Con earlier that year and sat in on an open panel discussion with Rob Zombie and a majority of the cast... who, it seemed, had been genuinely traumatized by the experience of acting out what had been birthed by Zombie's vision. But I did subject myself to it, and it was definitely everything I had anticipated, and it was all kinds of awesome! Now that was a horror film for our times!

After the success of Devils Rejects, the studios, who had once locked Zombie out of the editing room in an effort to put an end to the production of his first film, were now fighting tooth and nail to turn the new horror "visionary" loose on one of their guaranteed money-making franchises. When the dust had settled, one clear winner rose to the top of the bloodied and mangled heap; Dimension Films remake of Halloween.

The 1978, John Carpenter written and directed, original Halloween is one of horror film's classic moments in history. With that one film in 1978, Carpenter was unknowingly inventing the modern horror genre and setting the table for the countless future film makers who would turn antagonistic homicidal maniacs into protagonist pop-culture icons. With Halloween, he had unintentionally created the horror movie franchise.

30 years later, after Hollywood had long lost it's ability to conceive new ideas to put to film, Rob Zombie took a whack at reinventing the psychopath that started it all. Moving the story in new directions that explored the building blocks necessary to create a monster like Michael Myers, Halloween's emotionless killer, his efforts successfully managed to create a modern telling that reverse engineered the self effectuating legend from early violent youth to full-blown homicidal maniac adulthood.

* Everybody content with the groundwork above? Yes? Terrific. Make sure you ask any questions now. I'm starving and waiting to get my guts around entirely too much pizza... but I'm typing this bullshit instead so we better be clear: Horror Movies = Good. Rob Zombie and John Carpenter = Good. House of 1000 Corpses, Devils Rejects, Halloween = Good. Okay? Okay... Onward and upward... *

With this groundwork in place, I ignored all the negative reviews floating around about the new Halloween II film and drug my dumb ass to the theatre to do the only respectable thing I could do get really wasted, sneak into the theatre through the back door, buy a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn (which, coincidentally, actually cost more than a real Cadillac) then proceed to waste a couple hours of my highly valuable life and check it out for myself.

Here's the kicker: For this viewing, I had the entire theatre to myself... and I'm talking a full, Jurassic Park sized theatre! So, imagine you're me *I call that burning sensation you're imagining "Ashley Greene, Kate Beckinsale and Scarlett Johansson" * and you have a bit of that Devils Rejects anxiety running through you. You're about to view a private screening with a film who's main character is the progenitor of horror movie gold for decades to follow and you have a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn clogging your colon. How could anything go wrong? My only concern was the whiplash I was guaranteed to receive from constantly looking over my shoulder...

But the movie sucked.

Here's the trailer anyway...



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T4P5 Vs. Winestock

Take note people: If you ever want to hang out, and really, who doesn't (and, no, I don't mean going commando with your fly open... though, really, I'm sure I'm not the only one who prefers it that way... right?), then tell me you want to take a float plane to a small island, camp at a secluded winery on a cliff with access to a private cove for three days, see great live music, eat awesome barbecue and drink our faces off... and I'll be balls deep in that quicker than you can say "Mr. Ashworth? I'm Fred Wilmington from Wilmington, Barret and Haas Service and Procedures Incorporated. With acceptance of this document you have been officially served notice by Her Majesty's Highest Court and the Good People of Great Britain, that you will no longer be permitted to step foot on the shores of England until such time as you have apologized to Kate Beckinsale for the dirty, dirty things you think about her every time a trailer for her new movie, Whiteout, is shown on television" (pfffftttt... I wasn't going to go back there anyway... right Katie? That's right. Now, go put on that little Pocahontas costume you wore in that Adam Sandler movie... yeah... that's the one)

Anyhow, that's pretty much how I spent this past weekend (I mean the winery thing, not the Kate Beckinsale thing).

Winestock is the annual event hosted on Pender Island by the fine and generous people at the Morning Bay Vineyard and Estate Winery. The event is focused around a live, outdoor music festival and a sampling of the wine made by Morning Bay. From top to bottom, the event was receptive, entertaining, beautiful and very relaxed. If you're ever looking for a great way to spend a Labour Day weekend, I would definitely look into this well organized and enjoyable event... plus, getting really, really blasted on excellent wine at reduced prices in the sunshine while stuffing your guts on grilled goodies and listening to the incredibly talented awesomeness of performers like Coco Love Alcorn (who really stood out with an exceptional performance... and I'm not just saying that because I was drunk and she was a female singing songs about bicycles and nerdy boys *swoon* though that didn't hurt...) isn't a bad way to spend a couple of days without a shower.

So... yeah. Besides a shout out to Spidey for hooking up the weekend, that's pretty much all I've got.

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Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #1: 'Twilight'

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA...oh boy... Spoilers ahead... guaranteed... so if you haven't seen this movie, maybe it's best if you don't read this... I'm just sayin'.....

okay... HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!.... let's get down to it... HAHAHHAHHAHAHHA.... pheeeew.... HAHAHHAHA!!!

I'm officially through 375ml of Bacardi's 'Gold' rum and I get it. I get it. I get it! (Jason, this blog is for you!)

I've taken approximately 9 pages of shitty notes and I intend to make my way through them in this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight....

Here we go:

I'm not sure if I'm just going to go note for note... or if I'm even going to pay attention to my notes... 'cause.... I'm kinda wasted... HUZZAH!!! But, before I even begin.... Alice!!! Alice!!! Alice!!!

I have no idea if the story calls for more on her part... or even who the actor is... but, I mean this in all sincerity when I say, Alice was HOT!!!! I mean that as someone who looks at the character/actress as someone who is my own age (as opposed to a 16 year old girl... who is, in fact, portrayed by Ashley Greene who happens to be 22 years old.... who also, coincidentally, reminds me of Ashley Scott, who is retardedly hot!!!)...

The DVD began with a shitty, shitty, shitty trailer (I love trailers) about some crappy High School film starring some actress who starred in High School Musical... so I don't mind admitting I was slightly terrified when the very first image crossed the screen. But then they gave me an 'Astro Boy' trailer and a 'Push' trailer (which I happened to see in the theatres and was surprised to say I enjoyed way more than I thought I would) so they managed to regain a little ground off the bat.

Before I knew it, 'Twilight' headed off in some of the hottest, most romantic quotes ever to be recorded on film... but allow me to digress...

As I said, I had zero interest in seeing this film. But, if truth be known (unless you know me well enough to already know this truth) I love a sappy love story. LOVE! So, in the scope of filmaic heritage, movies like 'Armageddon' and 'Pearl Harbour' (another Kate Beckinsale film that deepened my love for her beyond reason) ring far truer for me than most anything I can hope to experience... except for the love for my loves... which, despite my efforts, all end in tragedy...

With that said, I feel the only way to properly express what this movie meant to me at the moment it was unfolding is to begin this review with the quotes that stood out to me... so, here we go...

"Dieing for someone you love seems like a good way to go"

Seriously... can you think of anything hotter?

"What if I'm the bad guy?"

Holy crizzap... I haven't spent a day in 25 years when I haven't asked myself this question...

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you any more"

ummmmmmmm... HOT!

"I'm a killer... I'm designed to kill"

"I don't care"

again... HOT!

"I don't want to be a monster"

Holy crap.... holy.... crap.......

"It's like a human only living on tofu... it keeps you strong, but never fully satisfies"

ummmm..... ummmmm.... hell yeah!

"The younger we start out in a new place, the longer we can stay there"

uuuuggghhhh.... I know the feeling all too well...

"No bed?"

"I don't sleep"

Bingo, vampiric douchebag... welcome to my world...

"Since when do vampires like baseball?"

"Well, it is the American past-time"

Terrible scene... but amazing undertones....

"Death is easy... peaceful. Life is harder"

A-effing-men, vampire brother!

Anyway... this movie was abso-smurfly terrible. Bad beyond bad. Horrible beyond horrible... for any and every reason you could possibly imagine. But, I seriously haven't seen a hotter movie in a long, long time... maybe since 'Weird Science'

I have page after page of notes I could comment upon... but the truth is, I'm a sucker for a hard fought love story and this movie had me pointing at the screen yelling "HELL YEAH!" even more than it had me laughing... loudly... which it did.

Would I recommend seeing this film?

No.

But only because I know what a critical world we live in... especially where cinema is concerned. If 'Fast and Furious' isn't as funny as 'Schindlers List,' we just don't give it it's proper respects. So, my official opinion of 'Twilight' is this: I absolutely hated it. I absolutely loved it! Alice is HOT!!!!!!!

The end!

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Ashley Greene = Alice... uuuuuggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid...

One of the first concepts I had as a subject of writing when I considered beginning a stand alone blog (trust me... as simple as it is to just start a blog and write whatever comes to mind, my neurosis rolled around the idea for well over a year before I finally began this adventure...) was to do Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. The idea: get really, really drunk. Watch a never before seen movie. Write a review in my blog. Period. Not only did this offer up the opportunity to get wasted, watch films and write, but it also opened the door for me to... ummm... okay... you got me... there's no real moral high ground here, folks. In this case, the journey is the reward... and what a low brow journey I hope it will be.

So, without further adieu, lets get things rolling...

Tonight's movie will be 'Twilight.'

Now, before I begin let me say, I have absolutely zero interest in seeing this film. I've maybe seen the trailer for this movie 3 or 4 times tops... and every time I miss the last half because my eyes are rolled so far back in my head I've had to be rushed to the emergency room to have them straightened out again... apparently the fact that I'm not a 14 year old girl has caused me to be violenty allergic to this film. I think it's supposed to be about vampires with sullen looks and tweeny appeal... but that can't be right... right?

John Carpenters Vampires... now that's a vampire movie!

Underworld... not as vampirey, but c'mon... lets face it... Kate Beckinsale in a PVC body suit could sell Zyclon-B in Jerusalem (yeah, I said it)... and, therefore, another great vampire movie.

Shadow of the Bat... same... although, admittedly, not the same...

Hell, I'd even rather sit through Bram Stoker's Dracula just for the non-stop laughter Keanu's "British" accent provides me with. In fact, just thinking about it has me smiling from ear to ear. And really, I don't care what she steals from me, my love for Wynonna rivals Michael Jacksons love for... okay... I may make holocaust jokes, but I have to draw the line at MJ jokes... some things are just too easy...

This film, by comparison, just seem like a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad idea. However, being such an avid movie watcher, 'Twilight' was the only new DVD available that I haven't seen (and, technically, that's a lie... some crap, as drunk as I may be, will never be viewed if I can help it... but, considering my very real apprehension for seeing this film, juxtaposed against it's cult following, I almost couldn't help myself from diving into this celluloid nightmare). And you know what the real bitch about it was? I had a $17 late fee for 'Lego Batman' at the video store... so this better be worth it!

Alright. I've just finished my first Gold Rum and Rockstar. On my less than full stomach, I can sense already that this is about to get messy. I have some popcorn to make, a bag full of licorice to break into, and about 10 drinks left to get down before cutain time... but then it's on!

Be sure to check back in a few hours for this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight...

To get things started, here's the trailer... I highly recommend dialing 9 and 1... and as soon as you feel the hemmoraging start, have your mom dial that last 1... and try to get that hot nurse that always wants to check me for a hernia when I pop by... but make sure she warms up her hands first... swoon :)

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