Thirty4Point5 Presents: 2010 (no... seriously... it was totally me)

True story: As I tried to think of an opening sentence for this, the first totally pointless blog of the new year, I picked up two bananas, separated them, and as I did, something fell on the floor. Now, before you go running off on some half-cocked hootenanny, it's not what you were thinking; Santa did not hide seventeen Swedish porn stars with a year paid in advance to... you know... do stuff... like make me toast, do my laundry and tell me when it's time to take my meds, nice as that would be, between my bananas. But then, if t'weren't so, t'wat could it be? see what I did there? I totally used Shakespeare-y speak. What did you think I meant? ;) Anyhoo... my hand reached down with Ninja quickness to retrieve the fallen item... but just before my fingers made contact I thought, dead mouse! Then I grabbed it anyway because I'm retarded. EEEWWWWW!!! OH MY GOD!!! I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE IDEA OF A DEAD MOUSE IN MY UNSUSPECTING HAND COULD BE SO TRAUMATIC!!! But it was really just a little ball of sports tape, so it wasn't that traumatic. What? It was wrapped around my broken toes all day... that's still kinda gross. I wish it had been the porn stars too :(

So... how 'bout 2009? What's that? No need to bring up the old shit? Deal.

But I will say this; It's been a long, hard year for me (notice no wink wink action, so you know I'm making my serious face)... a lot has changed. I'm a lot more dedicated now to all aspects of my life and I promise you, dear reader, that 2010 will be the year I begin by saying... nah, I'm just kidding, douchetard! I slayed the hell out of 2009, impregnated it's lifeless corpse, and gave birth to the fiendish monster that is the year ahead!!! So... yeah! What I'm trying to say is that we'll start fresh, shall we, and see where this little roller coaster will take us... hold on [T'wat's that sveety? Time for my meds? Okay, hang on a second...] Sorry guys, I gotta go. Be awesome.

p

p.s. Ashley Greene and I broke up. I know. But I wanted to let you guys know that I'm on the lookout for another super-hot, ultra-famous, nympho-maniac, bike-repair-woman (a man has his needs). I'll keep you posted on who catches my eye for the year ahead (but really, I'm probably just going to go back to Wynona Ryder... she's fun!). Stay tuned!

These Arms Are Snakes

It's true, I was pretty wasted, exhausted, and cranked to sweaty-palmed goodness on caffeine, but when I stepped foot into The Biltmore Cabaret, two songs into Seattle's These Arms Are Snakes blistering, heavy-as-shit, odd-timed, hardcore, set of ass-kickery on Sunday night, it was immediately clear that I had found myself up to my ears in something I had intentionally denied myself for far too long... and yes, I said intentionally.

I'm pretty open minded... for instance, I'm totally not opposed to a threesome, or even a foursome with Ashley Greene, a few of her closest female friends, a pool of lime Jell-O and a dozen feather pillows... never let it be said that I'm not a progressive thinker! but sometimes, just sometimes, I can be a close-minded, arrogant, egotistical, snob who is totally not opposed to a threesome, or even a foursome with Ashley Greene, a few of her closest female friends, a pool of lime Jell-O and a dozen feather pillows... call me!, it's totally true. So, for some reason, I had it in my head that These Arms Are Snakes were the harbingers of hipster douchebaggery... and when you're as important and busy as I clearly am, it becomes progressively more and more easy to simply brush off that which truly doesn't matter. And thus, These Arms Are Snakes continued on their merry way without ever once passing my attention...

But if there's one quality I posses in greater quantity than my ignorance and arrogance, it's my never ending willingness to laugh at what an ass I am. So there I was, face melting in a barrage of sound as thick as the lingering afterglow of an orgy between At The Drive In, Fugazi, and The Blood Brothers, laughing my ass off.

That's pretty much it for this review. I tried to be clever, cut me some slack... I have about 3 pounds of sliced deli ham marching through my intestines like a bile tinged sausage army...

Check out this video from These Arms Are Snakes... it's called Red Line Season and is from their most recent album, 2008's 'Tail Swallower and Dove'. Love it or else!



p

Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #4 - Halloween II

When Rob Zombie made House Of 1000 Corpses in 2003, it seemed as though a new voice had emerged with a stark and brutal approach to the age old genre of horror films. That movie made me feel genuinely "uncomfortable" which, for someone who's been heavily immersed in horror films since I was knee high to a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels, is kind of saying something.

When the fledgling director's follow up movie, Devils Rejects, was released in 2005, I didn't go to the theatre to see it. Instead, I waited until I could sit at home and watch it alone in the dark, wasted, with a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels... I was so anxious about what that movie was going to be like that I actually paused and questioned whether or not I really felt like subjecting myself to a viewing. I had been to the San Diego Comic Con earlier that year and sat in on an open panel discussion with Rob Zombie and a majority of the cast... who, it seemed, had been genuinely traumatized by the experience of acting out what had been birthed by Zombie's vision. But I did subject myself to it, and it was definitely everything I had anticipated, and it was all kinds of awesome! Now that was a horror film for our times!

After the success of Devils Rejects, the studios, who had once locked Zombie out of the editing room in an effort to put an end to the production of his first film, were now fighting tooth and nail to turn the new horror "visionary" loose on one of their guaranteed money-making franchises. When the dust had settled, one clear winner rose to the top of the bloodied and mangled heap; Dimension Films remake of Halloween.

The 1978, John Carpenter written and directed, original Halloween is one of horror film's classic moments in history. With that one film in 1978, Carpenter was unknowingly inventing the modern horror genre and setting the table for the countless future film makers who would turn antagonistic homicidal maniacs into protagonist pop-culture icons. With Halloween, he had unintentionally created the horror movie franchise.

30 years later, after Hollywood had long lost it's ability to conceive new ideas to put to film, Rob Zombie took a whack at reinventing the psychopath that started it all. Moving the story in new directions that explored the building blocks necessary to create a monster like Michael Myers, Halloween's emotionless killer, his efforts successfully managed to create a modern telling that reverse engineered the self effectuating legend from early violent youth to full-blown homicidal maniac adulthood.

* Everybody content with the groundwork above? Yes? Terrific. Make sure you ask any questions now. I'm starving and waiting to get my guts around entirely too much pizza... but I'm typing this bullshit instead so we better be clear: Horror Movies = Good. Rob Zombie and John Carpenter = Good. House of 1000 Corpses, Devils Rejects, Halloween = Good. Okay? Okay... Onward and upward... *

With this groundwork in place, I ignored all the negative reviews floating around about the new Halloween II film and drug my dumb ass to the theatre to do the only respectable thing I could do get really wasted, sneak into the theatre through the back door, buy a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn (which, coincidentally, actually cost more than a real Cadillac) then proceed to waste a couple hours of my highly valuable life and check it out for myself.

Here's the kicker: For this viewing, I had the entire theatre to myself... and I'm talking a full, Jurassic Park sized theatre! So, imagine you're me *I call that burning sensation you're imagining "Ashley Greene, Kate Beckinsale and Scarlett Johansson" * and you have a bit of that Devils Rejects anxiety running through you. You're about to view a private screening with a film who's main character is the progenitor of horror movie gold for decades to follow and you have a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn clogging your colon. How could anything go wrong? My only concern was the whiplash I was guaranteed to receive from constantly looking over my shoulder...

But the movie sucked.

Here's the trailer anyway...



p

Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #3 - The Last House On The Left

Okay, when I say I'm gonna do something, I do it, damn it! (or I make up more and more feeble excuses over time until the excuse mutates into something fantastic about you... like your new deodorant! Is that designer? Really? You smell like I imagine sex with Ashley Greene would be like... I'm classy) So, for you, dear readers, I've exposed myself to the recently-remade-and-now-out-on-DVD 'The Last House On The Left'... then the neighbour started yelling things at me like, "Why are you exposing yourself to the TV with the windows open? Put some pants on or I'm calling the cops!" Something like that. I wasn't really paying much attention, but what a whiner! Boo hoo, buddy. Boo hoo.

After the cops tased me and duct taped my pants to my hips, I cooked up some perogies and checked out the latest addition to Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews - The Last House On The Left

Maybe you remember, or maybe you're high and your short term memory is shit right now... either way, as you may or may not recall (DUCK!!! that was for the high readers... totally love messing with the DUCK!!! damn... you really are high...) the original, Wes Craven directed version really messed with my head when I saw it as a child. It was really brutal and dealt with subject matter I wasn't old enough to comprehend. In the end, it really put a dent in my cinematic psyche. But, when I found out about the remade version, I was actually a little excited. I figured it would be modernized, which would strip away the look of the original that was so low budget it had a real documentary feel to it. In that film, the low budget look lent to the awfulness of the subject matter in ways that a highly polished, big budget film simply couldn't duplicate. Also, for the most part, all the recent horror remakes have been toned down for the summer crowd consumption... so clearly they weren't going to emulate the harshness of the original.... right? Well, one out of two ain't bad...

Outside of the typical, grievous bodily harm, the thing that made the original film so horrible was the intensity of the sexual violence (I'm actually making a face of disgust at the screen as I type that). It's what really sets the stage for the depth of brutality in the second half of this film that, at it's core, is basically a revenge film. The plot is simple: Bad people rape and attempt to murder a young girl then end up unknowingly taking shelter with the girls parents. The daughter manages to return home and the parents extract an insanely brutal, vengeance-based assault... free of audience judgement because we've been exposed to their motivation in great depth.

What I was hoping beyond hope was that this film would succeed for me this time... and I'll tell you why (did you ever doubt): I gave too much credit to the human race. I really believed that in this day and age, a modern audience does not need to see a 10 minute rape scene on a 70' wide screen for any reason at any time to set the stage for any form of motivation. I really thought we were knowledgeable and compassionate enough at this stage of our evolution that just hinting at what had occurred would be enough to incite a theatre to riotous rage... but apparently I was wrong. And you know... With just the hint, I would watch the parents cut every person in a 10 mile radius into squishy bits with a butter knife and a blowtorch for 18 hours of real-time mayhem. But having to be exposed to it at length (and yes, I keep using that word for a reason... because I don't feel like I've watched a movie as much as I've been exposed to it)... while the girl watches her friend dying of stab wounds just out of arms reach, ejected me so completely out of the story that I could only focus on the rest as a technical exercise.

So... I don't know. Lots of people have told me they liked the movie... but I think it's more just the thrill of revenge that they like. I pretty much wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.

The End.

p

True Dat!

Okay. So. Stupid life has been taking up my stupid time. Man, everything is so stupid! * Except me... and Ashley Greene... we're still totally awesome! Anyway, I'm going to do my best to shrug off some responsibilities in the very near future and get you 50cc's of Blog, STAT!

In the meantime, here's 2 things 4 you:





1) Do I ever love me some energy drink. mmmmmmm, mmm! Yes sir! And as a mix for Gold Rum... even mmmmmmm, mmm-ier! Now, I've tried them all... from Red Bull, to Rockstar, to Xenergy, to crack... no... wait... skip that last part. Crack is bad... as a mix. But now, thanks to some very clever product placement in 'Fast and Furious'... what?... Paul Walker personally coerced me into getting my fix on with a drink called NOS... just like the nitrous they inject into their cars in the movie! See, kids, that's called clever marketing! Now, because I'm an advertisement sponge... kinda like Spongebob if Spongebob were awesome... I just had to test drive (how's that for clever wording? see... it's topical... so it's... never mind...) some for myself... and who knows, maybe if I'm as cool as Paul Walker's character, I could hook up with that girl from the movie that he [spoilers ahead] hooks up with. So I tried some! Now, I don't know dick about cars, Nitrous, or chicks that Paul Walker character's would hook up with, but I do know one thing: this drink gets me tweaked! With 343mg of caffeine per bottle, if you just chug a bit off the top, then replace that with 2 of those Rockstar shots (with 200mg of caffeine each), drop in a double shot of Jagermeister... then I'd guess you'd have a trip to the cardiologists for an alllllllll nighter! Guaranteed! Personally, I haven't tried this concoction yet... but I'm curious what 743mg of caffeine and a puke inducing quantity of Jager would do for maintaining the journalistic integrity of the infamous Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. [Anyone want to take bets on whether I make it through a movie alive? * I'm betting everything I've got on SIDS (Stupid Idea Death Syndrome)...]







2) What you're looking at in this tiny image to the left (click for a larger image) are the first two shirt designs for Thirty4Point5 (that's this blog for those of you who wear crash helmets and drool bibs... which, ladies, I happen to find hot... especially since I know that pretty much guarantees you're available...) The top one says (since I know you cant read it) 'Thirty4Point5 [hearts] Ashley Greene' and has the blog URL across the back in shameless advertising fashion (see Paul Walker, I'm learning!)... and the second, if you're not so clever and can't figure it out, just says 'Thirty4Point5' also with the URL on the back. Now... I'm pretty sure they'll be selling for about $25 each... not because I think I'm Bono and anything I stick my stink-fingers into is worth a mint... but because, let's face it, there's probably only about 2 people on the planet who want them and quantities that low don't come cheap (if you need a stack, Ashley, give me a call and I'll see if i can't knock them down a buck or two for you) But, if for some obscene, irrational reason you think you might like to replace that old A-TEAM t-shirt you sleep in with something guaranteed to land you hot chicks like my girl, Ashley, then hit me up and I'll deliver the goody-good-goods.

That's pretty much it.

Tomorrow is geek Friday, so I've taken the day off to go see that movie about that hairy guy from the movie 'Australia'... Huge Jackass, or something... what's it called again? Wolverton? Whatever... expect a review laden with unappreciated spoilers.

Also, the next film I'll be in gets shooting this weekend as well! I'm really looking forward to it... mostly 'cause I'm kinda all about shaving off this beard I've grown so I could cut out a lush pimp-stache for the character... and 'cause acting is fun! It's like when the cops stop you and you have to explain that, though you look over 30, you're definitely 14 and, therefore, he should stop worrying about why he rolled up on the street to find you with your tongue in his daughters ear... it's all about the performance in the moment, man. Can you dig it?

And I swear... that interview with Deniz is coming. It turns out my ambitions were bigger than the average blog-reader's attention span and I've collected entirely too much information and need to trim it down so you won't just blow over it... 'cause Deniz is the bomb... and he'll blow your shit up if you don't pay attention to what he's got to say (he talks a lot of trash about Vancouver and Paris. Are you all fired up now?)

So... yeah... that's it!

p

SWEET! Academy Awards, Here I Come!

Yours truly has just been offered another film role in the upcoming Ira Cooper penned short: The Anti Porn. This time around I get to play a smoooooooth radio announcer. Awesome! Just like real life... except for the whole "radio announcer" thing... oh... and the "smooth" thing too... 'cause I'm rough like that... and scratchy! (Does this look infected?) Either way, as always, I'm really looking forward to exploring another character and getting back in front of the camera! I'll keep you posted.

Now, the only question is whether or not my cumber bun clashes with the red carpet...

p

Me and my hot girlfriend Ashley Greene at another one of my red carpet affairs. Aren't we the cutest couple ever???

Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #1: 'Twilight'

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA...oh boy... Spoilers ahead... guaranteed... so if you haven't seen this movie, maybe it's best if you don't read this... I'm just sayin'.....

okay... HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!.... let's get down to it... HAHAHHAHHAHAHHA.... pheeeew.... HAHAHHAHA!!!

I'm officially through 375ml of Bacardi's 'Gold' rum and I get it. I get it. I get it! (Jason, this blog is for you!)

I've taken approximately 9 pages of shitty notes and I intend to make my way through them in this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight....

Here we go:

I'm not sure if I'm just going to go note for note... or if I'm even going to pay attention to my notes... 'cause.... I'm kinda wasted... HUZZAH!!! But, before I even begin.... Alice!!! Alice!!! Alice!!!

I have no idea if the story calls for more on her part... or even who the actor is... but, I mean this in all sincerity when I say, Alice was HOT!!!! I mean that as someone who looks at the character/actress as someone who is my own age (as opposed to a 16 year old girl... who is, in fact, portrayed by Ashley Greene who happens to be 22 years old.... who also, coincidentally, reminds me of Ashley Scott, who is retardedly hot!!!)...

The DVD began with a shitty, shitty, shitty trailer (I love trailers) about some crappy High School film starring some actress who starred in High School Musical... so I don't mind admitting I was slightly terrified when the very first image crossed the screen. But then they gave me an 'Astro Boy' trailer and a 'Push' trailer (which I happened to see in the theatres and was surprised to say I enjoyed way more than I thought I would) so they managed to regain a little ground off the bat.

Before I knew it, 'Twilight' headed off in some of the hottest, most romantic quotes ever to be recorded on film... but allow me to digress...

As I said, I had zero interest in seeing this film. But, if truth be known (unless you know me well enough to already know this truth) I love a sappy love story. LOVE! So, in the scope of filmaic heritage, movies like 'Armageddon' and 'Pearl Harbour' (another Kate Beckinsale film that deepened my love for her beyond reason) ring far truer for me than most anything I can hope to experience... except for the love for my loves... which, despite my efforts, all end in tragedy...

With that said, I feel the only way to properly express what this movie meant to me at the moment it was unfolding is to begin this review with the quotes that stood out to me... so, here we go...

"Dieing for someone you love seems like a good way to go"

Seriously... can you think of anything hotter?

"What if I'm the bad guy?"

Holy crizzap... I haven't spent a day in 25 years when I haven't asked myself this question...

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you any more"

ummmmmmmm... HOT!

"I'm a killer... I'm designed to kill"

"I don't care"

again... HOT!

"I don't want to be a monster"

Holy crap.... holy.... crap.......

"It's like a human only living on tofu... it keeps you strong, but never fully satisfies"

ummmm..... ummmmm.... hell yeah!

"The younger we start out in a new place, the longer we can stay there"

uuuuggghhhh.... I know the feeling all too well...

"No bed?"

"I don't sleep"

Bingo, vampiric douchebag... welcome to my world...

"Since when do vampires like baseball?"

"Well, it is the American past-time"

Terrible scene... but amazing undertones....

"Death is easy... peaceful. Life is harder"

A-effing-men, vampire brother!

Anyway... this movie was abso-smurfly terrible. Bad beyond bad. Horrible beyond horrible... for any and every reason you could possibly imagine. But, I seriously haven't seen a hotter movie in a long, long time... maybe since 'Weird Science'

I have page after page of notes I could comment upon... but the truth is, I'm a sucker for a hard fought love story and this movie had me pointing at the screen yelling "HELL YEAH!" even more than it had me laughing... loudly... which it did.

Would I recommend seeing this film?

No.

But only because I know what a critical world we live in... especially where cinema is concerned. If 'Fast and Furious' isn't as funny as 'Schindlers List,' we just don't give it it's proper respects. So, my official opinion of 'Twilight' is this: I absolutely hated it. I absolutely loved it! Alice is HOT!!!!!!!

The end!

p



Ashley Greene = Alice... uuuuuggggghhhhhhhh!!!!