Thirty4Point5 Presents: 2010 (no... seriously... it was totally me)

True story: As I tried to think of an opening sentence for this, the first totally pointless blog of the new year, I picked up two bananas, separated them, and as I did, something fell on the floor. Now, before you go running off on some half-cocked hootenanny, it's not what you were thinking; Santa did not hide seventeen Swedish porn stars with a year paid in advance to... you know... do stuff... like make me toast, do my laundry and tell me when it's time to take my meds, nice as that would be, between my bananas. But then, if t'weren't so, t'wat could it be? see what I did there? I totally used Shakespeare-y speak. What did you think I meant? ;) Anyhoo... my hand reached down with Ninja quickness to retrieve the fallen item... but just before my fingers made contact I thought, dead mouse! Then I grabbed it anyway because I'm retarded. EEEWWWWW!!! OH MY GOD!!! I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE IDEA OF A DEAD MOUSE IN MY UNSUSPECTING HAND COULD BE SO TRAUMATIC!!! But it was really just a little ball of sports tape, so it wasn't that traumatic. What? It was wrapped around my broken toes all day... that's still kinda gross. I wish it had been the porn stars too :(

So... how 'bout 2009? What's that? No need to bring up the old shit? Deal.

But I will say this; It's been a long, hard year for me (notice no wink wink action, so you know I'm making my serious face)... a lot has changed. I'm a lot more dedicated now to all aspects of my life and I promise you, dear reader, that 2010 will be the year I begin by saying... nah, I'm just kidding, douchetard! I slayed the hell out of 2009, impregnated it's lifeless corpse, and gave birth to the fiendish monster that is the year ahead!!! So... yeah! What I'm trying to say is that we'll start fresh, shall we, and see where this little roller coaster will take us... hold on [T'wat's that sveety? Time for my meds? Okay, hang on a second...] Sorry guys, I gotta go. Be awesome.

p

p.s. Ashley Greene and I broke up. I know. But I wanted to let you guys know that I'm on the lookout for another super-hot, ultra-famous, nympho-maniac, bike-repair-woman (a man has his needs). I'll keep you posted on who catches my eye for the year ahead (but really, I'm probably just going to go back to Wynona Ryder... she's fun!). Stay tuned!