HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA...oh boy... Spoilers ahead... guaranteed... so if you haven't seen this movie, maybe it's best if you don't read this... I'm just sayin'.....
okay... HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!.... let's get down to it... HAHAHHAHHAHAHHA.... pheeeew.... HAHAHHAHA!!!
I'm officially through 375ml of Bacardi's 'Gold' rum and I get it. I get it. I get it! (Jason, this blog is for you!)
I've taken approximately 9 pages of shitty notes and I intend to make my way through them in this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight....
Here we go:
I'm not sure if I'm just going to go note for note... or if I'm even going to pay attention to my notes... 'cause.... I'm kinda wasted... HUZZAH!!! But, before I even begin.... Alice!!! Alice!!! Alice!!!
I have no idea if the story calls for more on her part... or even who the actor is... but, I mean this in all sincerity when I say, Alice was HOT!!!! I mean that as someone who looks at the character/actress as someone who is my own age (as opposed to a 16 year old girl... who is, in fact, portrayed by Ashley Greene who happens to be 22 years old.... who also, coincidentally, reminds me of Ashley Scott, who is retardedly hot!!!)...
The DVD began with a shitty, shitty, shitty trailer (I love trailers) about some crappy High School film starring some actress who starred in High School Musical... so I don't mind admitting I was slightly terrified when the very first image crossed the screen. But then they gave me an 'Astro Boy' trailer and a 'Push' trailer (which I happened to see in the theatres and was surprised to say I enjoyed way more than I thought I would) so they managed to regain a little ground off the bat.
Before I knew it, 'Twilight' headed off in some of the hottest, most romantic quotes ever to be recorded on film... but allow me to digress...
As I said, I had zero interest in seeing this film. But, if truth be known (unless you know me well enough to already know this truth) I love a sappy love story. LOVE! So, in the scope of filmaic heritage, movies like 'Armageddon' and 'Pearl Harbour' (another Kate Beckinsale film that deepened my love for her beyond reason) ring far truer for me than most anything I can hope to experience... except for the love for my loves... which, despite my efforts, all end in tragedy...
With that said, I feel the only way to properly express what this movie meant to me at the moment it was unfolding is to begin this review with the quotes that stood out to me... so, here we go...
"Dieing for someone you love seems like a good way to go"
Seriously... can you think of anything hotter?
"What if I'm the bad guy?"
Holy crizzap... I haven't spent a day in 25 years when I haven't asked myself this question...
"I don't have the strength to stay away from you any more"
"I'm a killer... I'm designed to kill"
"I don't care"
"I don't want to be a monster"
Holy crap.... holy.... crap.......
"It's like a human only living on tofu... it keeps you strong, but never fully satisfies"
ummmm..... ummmmm.... hell yeah!
"The younger we start out in a new place, the longer we can stay there"
uuuuggghhhh.... I know the feeling all too well...
"I don't sleep"
Bingo, vampiric douchebag... welcome to my world...
"Since when do vampires like baseball?"
"Well, it is the American past-time"
Terrible scene... but amazing undertones....
"Death is easy... peaceful. Life is harder"
A-effing-men, vampire brother!
Anyway... this movie was abso-smurfly terrible. Bad beyond bad. Horrible beyond horrible... for any and every reason you could possibly imagine. But, I seriously haven't seen a hotter movie in a long, long time... maybe since 'Weird Science'
I have page after page of notes I could comment upon... but the truth is, I'm a sucker for a hard fought love story and this movie had me pointing at the screen yelling "HELL YEAH!" even more than it had me laughing... loudly... which it did.
Would I recommend seeing this film?
But only because I know what a critical world we live in... especially where cinema is concerned. If 'Fast and Furious' isn't as funny as 'Schindlers List,' we just don't give it it's proper respects. So, my official opinion of 'Twilight' is this: I absolutely hated it. I absolutely loved it! Alice is HOT!!!!!!!
Ashley Greene = Alice... uuuuuggggghhhhhhhh!!!!