Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I Ain't Too Proud To Beg

Well, technically I am. I would rather suffer without than freeload off of someone else... most of the time. But, dear readers, Dear Peter is in need.

I know it seems like I live like King Midas, turning everything I touch to gold (*Note: remember to wear Midas-proof gloves after swimming in cold water before... y'know... 'Cause, let's face it, when it comes to gold, size does matter. Am I right?) But you may be surprised to learn that most days I roll pennies just to buy blow... that I then cut with crushed chalk nubs from the local high schools dumpster I sometimes stalk from like Oscar the Pimp-Ass Grouch... that then gets sold for it's weight in Canadian Nickles... just so I can buy some rancid butter to put on the free pasta Super Valu gives me from packages damaged during shipment.

I also know it's hard to believe that someone who's worked 15 years for a multi-billion dollar corporation has a second job and spends his free time figuring out ways to earn more money and still has to roll pennies for coke... but you might be surprised (I know I am every time welfare tells me to get a 7th, 8th or 9th job so I can afford my luxurious lifestyle). So let me tell you, I'm not up grinding my teeth at 1am 'cause I hate my teeth... Oscar's got stuff on his mind and it's not this tasty banana peel!

[side note: I swear to all the heavens above, I will one day slay those damn Japanese-Vampire neighbours of mine... KEEP IT DOWN NOSFELATU!!!]

So, like that rad homeless junkie that never stops saying "'scuse me sir, sir, 'scuse me sir, madame, can you spare some change, sir, madame, 'scuse me, change, sir"... you know the one... I have a little begging of my own to do: If you're anything like me, you have a dozen or so computers taking up space in your closet because you know how we roll: "WHAAAAAAT? I don't even have to use a keyboard on the new Mac???!!! Send me 26, Mr. Apple, one for each letter of the alphabet I will soon forget existed!"...... wait......... that's not right....... what I meant to say was that would be the exact opposite of me... but, you guessed it! I digress!

Anyway, my point is, tonight I tried organizing some images for my Thirty4Point5 t-shirts... but the only computer I have is a work-provided laptop... which is swell and all... I can still watch porn on it and stuff... but it's so locked down with security devices, I can't even add a new font if I so desire. So, naturally, I don't have any good image software, or music software, or video editing software, or any of the stuff that I had on my now dead PC... so, doing any type of creative work is an absolute nightmare... but did I mention I could still watch porn?

To make a long story longer, my question is, do you have any computing devices taking up space in your closet that don't have to be the latest/greatest, but also don't suck, that you'd rather was in my home as opposed to yours? If so, I'd love to hear from you... well... I'd also love to hear from Kate Beckinsale... so I understand if you all maintain your respective silences (is that a word? spellcheck? spellcheck says it is!)... but... ummm... yeah... spare some change, sir, madame, sir, 'scuse me???


* Side note 2: Coke is bad, kids. Don't do it... at least until you're 14 and you need something to kick the party into high gear... then just steal it from your mom. What? You think your mom doesn't get freaky when you're having a sleepover at your cousins? Take my word for it, she does. Now get the hell over to your cousins, I've got a pasta dinner to cook!

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