Thirty4Point5

Job Adventure: Part Deux - The Wrath Of Khan

2010-08-26T16:38:00.011-07:00

Today I found a job on Craigslist that I was very interested in... and it was only 2 blocks from my home! Because I'm fairly ill prepared for this adventure (like most things I jump feet first into), I began to have second thoughts about whether or not I should waste my time since I didn't have a resumè to present... or a phone number to contact me at... or any employer in my past I would want to rely on for a new job... not that they would represent me poorly, but if I wanted a job where the jobs I'd previously left were of any relevance, I probably would have stayed where I was. I'm not trying to climb anybodies ladder but my own, thank you very much! And here is the proof: because I didn't want to leave this prospective employer with nothing to remember me by... and seem like I was just some flake without a resumè... which I am far from... I strode up the alley to the back entrance of the establishment, walked in, then presented the interviewer with this little gem that I unfolded from my back pocket. I go back Monday to see him again.

Day 2, Lesson 2: People can feel inside that the path our culture's socio-economic evolution is careening along is tainted and sick... and although they may not know if they can trust their personal futures on someone as ready and willing as I am to thumb my nose at a system that gives my soul the shits... they sure do brighten up when they realize that at least someone is out there holding it down... at least that's what I got out of it anyway... I was pretty high. For all I know, I spent the afternoon passed out in the ice cream freezer at 7-Eleven...

p

I Must Be Out Of My Mind... But I Digress...

2010-08-25T23:06:00.011-07:00

So, dear Reader, you're probably asking yourself, 'Self, what does Peter mean when he says in that little blurb to the right, that he's a life artist?' Or you're asking yourself what the hell you accidentally clicked to get to this shitbag blog (that's how I got here). Well, let me illuminate you... in... whatever... dark space... you know... you'd... enjoy...

My hat, as it were, has officially been thrown into the Freelance Art Ring in recent times. I've abandoned the shelter of the long-term corporate asylum I had, for whatever reason, self-admitted myself to, and have settled down to whittling away my days at my studio... or reading at the beach... or riding my bike in the sun... but the point is, being a freelance artist is a lot of work... so don't try it. In fact, it's so much work, I've decided that I would fill some of my unimaginably busy schedule with a work adventure. "What," I can hear you asking, "the hell has he been smoking?" [sorry... that's not really the question we rehearsed. Can I get a line reading please? Anyone? Jesus Christ, if you're listening? Seriously, it's like I'm working with retarded kids here. Okay... here we are... work adventure, blah, blah, blah... "What," I can hear you asking aaaaand... GO!] "is a work adventure?" Allow me to... [shit... this isn't working... can we just get to the end part? Everybody good with that? fine.]

I posted this crazy ass ad on Craigslist today: HENCHMAN FOR HIRE. Twenty minutes later I received a response! I meet with the guy tomorrow to discuss the job. Now... I'm not gonna say it's Hank Scorpio [it's Hank Scorpio] or suggest that it involves World Domination of any kind. But I will tell you this... from the intel that I've gathered it could be a gig I just might enjoy... it's world domination. So let this be a lesson to you, kids: Education sucks, work sucks and experience isn't worth shit. All you need is a genuine way to communicate with people that doesn't make you seem like a hopeless retard and you're good... although, being an Evil Super-Genius with the imagination, talent, will and determination to dominate the world probably doesn't hurt. I'll let you know how it turns out!

In the meantime... here's a purty picture I'm responsible for. It's called 'How We Roll' Wanna buy it? that's how you freelance!

p

Relax, Friends... I'm On It! Doctor Doctor!

2010-08-24T00:52:00.004-07:00

In an effort to keep you ravenous little entertainment monsters at bay, here's one of my favorite tracks from my solo music effort, project:APESH!T. I presently have about 45 minutes of original music recorded with plenty more on the way... once this transient mind finds a place to plug in, I'll be killing you softly with more like this number. Enjoy!

p

Thirty4Point5 Presents: Prosthelytized

2010-08-20T00:20:00.004-07:00

I've been working on some digital media over photos to create some zombie images. The first was the one located above in the T4P5 header... this little number is the second. Enjoy

I Saw Marlon Brando In A Cage, Dressed Like Dr. Moreau, Sliding Whole Chickens Into His Tardhole With Greasy Fingers Bigger Than My Thigh...

2010-08-16T13:27:00.013-07:00

I haven't made a video in a while... so... for some massively unexplainable reason, I set my camera down in some pretty shady places last night to bring this to you, dear reader: Four Gig - Insomnia vs Memory Card. I can never tell when I look at my life whether I live a dream few even dare to dream... or if I am, quite possibly, the most retarded person on the planet. I'm voting for the latter 'cause at least that way if I'm wrong... and I'm always wrong... at least it'll be a surprise... just like that time Santa got stuck in the chimney and passed out before he shit himself onto the glowing fiberglass log during The Six Million Dollar Man episode where Steve Austin and Big Foot go to Universal Studios together. I never thought those two would ever reconcile their differences!!! Now... back to bed... I have a rum tasting to attend later... 'cause I'm retarded... [cough, cough]

The Kid Said, "Get Ready..."

2010-08-13T09:51:00.004-07:00

'Cause this shit is about to get crazy... and by "crazy" I mean... ummm... yeah... "crazy"... but don't start stapling any orifices shut just yet. I promised never to do that to your mom again and I intend to keep that promise (you got a sister, right?). So... yeah... I can't afford my meds so I may as well get back to entertaining the masses where I belong. Look forward to something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue... (I'm looking at you Kate Beckinsale... and I'm talking about balls)

It's on like Donkey Kong!!!

Holy Crap! Enter Shikari!!!

2010-01-20T18:40:00.019-08:00

Wow. Just... wow.

Maybe I'm behind the times, maybe I'm cutting edge... who knows? Awwwww..... thanks :) Anyway... I'm sorry to say I don't have anything funny to say today... but duty calls and I feel it's my duty to tell you that duty called to tell... me... whoa... are you feeling dizzy? No? You're not doing whippets too? See, mom! I told you it was just us!

Anyway... I just stumbled onto the most amazing thing: toothpaste! And a band called Enter Shikari.

Formed in 2003 in St. Albans, England, Enter Shikari has released two albums - 2007's 'Take to the Skies' and 2009's 'Common Dreads'... both while shrugging off heavy pursuit from major labels to do it all themselves... and all I can really say is, Holy Crap! (I know, I could have said more. Maybe something like "soaring" or "bombastic" or "powerful" or "compelling" or "heavy" or "poppy" or "like nothing you've EVER heard before and it's about DAMN TIME it's here!!!") but Holy Crap kinda sums it up too. Seriously, though... all adjectives aside, it really is kind of blowing my mind what's been done.

Combining elements of Brit Pop and Hardcore, with an Electronic pulse (and even a jazzy flair here and there)... simply refered to as "Post Hardcore"... it truly is all those adjectives and then some. So... check them out. Also, they are on tour in North America early this year with a great lineup of bands... and I'm telling you... you're gonna want to be the one that says, "I saw them when..."

Here's a couple of videos... I suggest watching them both to get a rounder feel because their stuff is unique... then play them both again... then buy the album and destroy your eardrums with some good earphones... then you'll be thanking me... and that, kids, is a Thirty4Point5 guarantee!!! no... wait... that was just the whippets talking... MOM!!! We're out of CO2!!!

word!
p

So What If I'm The Slowest Writer On The Planet- Here's My Avatar Review

2010-01-06T16:24:00.011-08:00

I have a pretty good imagination... Some would call it a curse, I call it Home.

Was that a pretty dramatic introduction? I'm working on my writing skills! also, wiping my ass with the opposite hand. You never know when a lightsabre duel (AKA "bus door") might claim the one you trust around your deepest, darkest... and you know you never realized until this very moment just how difficult that would be. Am I right? Of course I am. You're welcome.

But seriously, I do imagine stuff. You could pretty much say I live in a dream world with your reality as the staging ground for my absurdist ponderings... you could also pretty much say I'm exactly what your super hot, young sister has been needing... c'mon... say it! Not to me, Einstein... to her! It's this imagination that has made me a fan of movies since before dinosaurs roamed the Hollywood Hills. But as much as I love movies, there was always a two dimensionality to them that kept them from being as immersive as they could have been. If it were up to me, movies would, if they could, add.......... wait for it............ a THIRD dimension to them. And do you know what? Some other genius had the exact same idea! Yadda Yadda Yadda, Avatar!

Fantastic. Everything I hoped the beginning of a new era in movie making would be. Can't wait to see what follows. Imagine if The Exorcist had been filmed in digital 3D? Or a movie like The Blair Witch Project? Fight Club? Lord Of The Rings? Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure? Porn?

Things are about to get good :)

Anyway, with that said... *** SPOILER AHEAD (not really) *** Admit it... you totally couldn't take your eyes of those blue, 3D boobies either! Ten feet tall or not, I'd show her the full sickness of my jungle fever, if you know what I mean... 'cause I sure as hell don't...

So... that's my review. Go see it... and see it in 3D... even if that means booking a flight to another country to do it. If you've only seen it in 2D, demand your money back and see it again in 3D. If they give you a hard time, show them your 3D fist until they give up... or you go to jail [Please Note: Thirty4Point5 is not responsible for any prison time incurred by any readers incarcerated for acting upon said blogs suggestions of ultimate awesomeness... but I would definitely find it funny].

p

The Year In Review: Movies of 2009

2010-01-02T09:26:00.047-08:00

As I look back at the movies I saw in 2009, it turns out I saw way more movies sober than I did wasted. Strange but true. So I had a look at the Wikipedia list of movies released in 2009 (which is by no means complete... these are pretty much the movies you'll likely be considering renting at one point or another) and thought I'd throw up a quick review of each of the movies from that list that I saw with a 2009 release date and include either a thumbs up or a thumbs down... that way, you can compare my choices to yours and realize just how culturally challenged I truly am. Okay....... GO!

The Unborn - interesting horror. low budget feel from big budget producers (up)

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - I just love the Underworld saga so this gets a pass (up)

Taken - Stark. Straightforward. Awesome. (up)

Push - Way better than I expected. Entertaining. (up)

Fanboys - So late in it's release it's barely relevant. Not terrible. (up/down)

Friday the 13th - Terrible remake. Perfect opportunity wasted. (down)

The International - BORING. (down)

Watchmen - Long. Not thrilled the first viewing. Loved it the second. (up)

The Last House on the Left - Unnecessary. (down)

Knowing - Nick Cage. What was I thinking? Still... watchable. (up/down)

Monsters vs. Aliens - Awesome. Most jokes were for an older audience. Good stuff. (up)

Fast & Furious - What can I say? I love this movie (and the first one). In fact, I'm going to downloa.... I mean buy both right now and watch them back to back! (up)

Observe and Report - Meh. Funny stuff. Didn't care. Never finished it. (up/down)

Crank: High Voltage - Thought these movies were serious... which makes them suck. Once I "got it" it was pretty damn entertaining. (up)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Great comic book movie. Different than the comics. So what. (up)

Star Trek - Possibly the best movie of the year. Pure entertainment. No need to be a Trekkie. (up)

Terminator Salvation - Another wasted opportunity. Should have been monumental. Could have done without. (down)

Drag Me to Hell - Excellent horror. Not many movies like this one these days. (up)

Up - Pixar. No need to say more. (up)

The Hangover - Pretty funny. Never finished it. (up)

Land of the Lost - Loved it as a kid so the adult jokes about it were great for me. Not a great movie, but I enjoyed it. (up)

Away We Go - Very nice little indie shebang. I really enjoyed it. (up)

Moon - Good sci-fi. It laid everything on the table so there was no mystery... and it was still worth watching. (up)

Year One - Fluff. (up/down)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Lighten up, people. This was a movie based on cartoons and I thought it was highly entertaining. If you criticise this movie because it wasn't more than it was, you should stick to watching Schindler's List... (up)

Public Enemies - Creative looking. Kind of just Ye Olde Tyme Heat starring Johnny Depp. Good movie... didn't do much for me. (up/down)

Blood: The Last Vampire - The 30 minute anime this was based on was awesome. This movie sucked. Turned it off. (down)

Funny People - Not very funny. Bland and long. Good movie. Don't go out of your way, though. (up/down)

Thirst - Excellent Korean vampire film. (up)

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Quite possibly the worst film ever... not as bad as Daredevil, but close. (down)

A Perfect Getaway - Not bad. Not bad at all. (up)

District 9 - Good low budget sci-fi. Not as good as everybody said, though... (up)

Inglourious Basterds - Well made film. tried to watch it twice now. Best sleep of my life. (probably up)

Halloween II - I want my $12 back. (down)

Pandorum

- Best surprise sci-fi thriller of the year. (up)

Surrogates - Not bad. Not terrific. (up)

Paranormal Activity - Are you serious? (down)

Zombieland - Tied with Star Trek for best of 2009. Very entertaining. (up)

2012 - Meh. Fluff. (up)

The Road - Book was good didn't do it for me... movie was the same. (up/down)

Thirty4Point5 Presents: 2010 (no... seriously... it was totally me)

2010-01-01T01:22:00.011-08:00

True story: As I tried to think of an opening sentence for this, the first totally pointless blog of the new year, I picked up two bananas, separated them, and as I did, something fell on the floor. Now, before you go running off on some half-cocked hootenanny, it's not what you were thinking; Santa did not hide seventeen Swedish porn stars with a year paid in advance to... you know... do stuff... like make me toast, do my laundry and tell me when it's time to take my meds, nice as that would be, between my bananas. But then, if t'weren't so, t'wat could it be? see what I did there? I totally used Shakespeare-y speak. What did you think I meant? ;) Anyhoo... my hand reached down with Ninja quickness to retrieve the fallen item... but just before my fingers made contact I thought, dead mouse! Then I grabbed it anyway because I'm retarded. EEEWWWWW!!! OH MY GOD!!! I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE IDEA OF A DEAD MOUSE IN MY UNSUSPECTING HAND COULD BE SO TRAUMATIC!!! But it was really just a little ball of sports tape, so it wasn't that traumatic. What? It was wrapped around my broken toes all day... that's still kinda gross. I wish it had been the porn stars too :(

So... how 'bout 2009? What's that? No need to bring up the old shit? Deal.

But I will say this; It's been a long, hard year for me (notice no wink wink action, so you know I'm making my serious face)... a lot has changed. I'm a lot more dedicated now to all aspects of my life and I promise you, dear reader, that 2010 will be the year I begin by saying... nah, I'm just kidding, douchetard! I slayed the hell out of 2009, impregnated it's lifeless corpse, and gave birth to the fiendish monster that is the year ahead!!! So... yeah! What I'm trying to say is that we'll start fresh, shall we, and see where this little roller coaster will take us... hold on [T'wat's that sveety? Time for my meds? Okay, hang on a second...] Sorry guys, I gotta go. Be awesome.

p

p.s. Ashley Greene and I broke up. I know. But I wanted to let you guys know that I'm on the lookout for another super-hot, ultra-famous, nympho-maniac, bike-repair-woman (a man has his needs). I'll keep you posted on who catches my eye for the year ahead (but really, I'm probably just going to go back to Wynona Ryder... she's fun!). Stay tuned!

These Arms Are Snakes

2009-09-15T19:10:00.005-07:00

It's true, I was pretty wasted, exhausted, and cranked to sweaty-palmed goodness on caffeine, but when I stepped foot into The Biltmore Cabaret, two songs into Seattle's These Arms Are Snakes blistering, heavy-as-shit, odd-timed, hardcore, set of ass-kickery on Sunday night, it was immediately clear that I had found myself up to my ears in something I had intentionally denied myself for far too long... and yes, I said intentionally.

I'm pretty open minded... for instance, I'm totally not opposed to a threesome, or even a foursome with Ashley Greene, a few of her closest female friends, a pool of lime Jell-O and a dozen feather pillows... never let it be said that I'm not a progressive thinker! but sometimes, just sometimes, I can be a close-minded, arrogant, egotistical, snob who is totally not opposed to a threesome, or even a foursome with Ashley Greene, a few of her closest female friends, a pool of lime Jell-O and a dozen feather pillows... call me!, it's totally true. So, for some reason, I had it in my head that These Arms Are Snakes were the harbingers of hipster douchebaggery... and when you're as important and busy as I clearly am, it becomes progressively more and more easy to simply brush off that which truly doesn't matter. And thus, These Arms Are Snakes continued on their merry way without ever once passing my attention...

But if there's one quality I posses in greater quantity than my ignorance and arrogance, it's my never ending willingness to laugh at what an ass I am. So there I was, face melting in a barrage of sound as thick as the lingering afterglow of an orgy between At The Drive In, Fugazi, and The Blood Brothers, laughing my ass off.

That's pretty much it for this review. I tried to be clever, cut me some slack... I have about 3 pounds of sliced deli ham marching through my intestines like a bile tinged sausage army...

Check out this video from These Arms Are Snakes... it's called Red Line Season and is from their most recent album, 2008's 'Tail Swallower and Dove'. Love it or else!

p

Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #4 - Halloween II

2009-09-14T17:44:00.014-07:00

When Rob Zombie made House Of 1000 Corpses in 2003, it seemed as though a new voice had emerged with a stark and brutal approach to the age old genre of horror films. That movie made me feel genuinely "uncomfortable" which, for someone who's been heavily immersed in horror films since I was knee high to a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels, is kind of saying something.

When the fledgling director's follow up movie, Devils Rejects, was released in 2005, I didn't go to the theatre to see it. Instead, I waited until I could sit at home and watch it alone in the dark, wasted, with a zombie-hooker in 5 inch heels... I was so anxious about what that movie was going to be like that I actually paused and questioned whether or not I really felt like subjecting myself to a viewing. I had been to the San Diego Comic Con earlier that year and sat in on an open panel discussion with Rob Zombie and a majority of the cast... who, it seemed, had been genuinely traumatized by the experience of acting out what had been birthed by Zombie's vision. But I did subject myself to it, and it was definitely everything I had anticipated, and it was all kinds of awesome! Now that was a horror film for our times!

After the success of Devils Rejects, the studios, who had once locked Zombie out of the editing room in an effort to put an end to the production of his first film, were now fighting tooth and nail to turn the new horror "visionary" loose on one of their guaranteed money-making franchises. When the dust had settled, one clear winner rose to the top of the bloodied and mangled heap; Dimension Films remake of Halloween.

The 1978, John Carpenter written and directed, original Halloween is one of horror film's classic moments in history. With that one film in 1978, Carpenter was unknowingly inventing the modern horror genre and setting the table for the countless future film makers who would turn antagonistic homicidal maniacs into protagonist pop-culture icons. With Halloween, he had unintentionally created the horror movie franchise.

30 years later, after Hollywood had long lost it's ability to conceive new ideas to put to film, Rob Zombie took a whack at reinventing the psychopath that started it all. Moving the story in new directions that explored the building blocks necessary to create a monster like Michael Myers, Halloween's emotionless killer, his efforts successfully managed to create a modern telling that reverse engineered the self effectuating legend from early violent youth to full-blown homicidal maniac adulthood.

* Everybody content with the groundwork above? Yes? Terrific. Make sure you ask any questions now. I'm starving and waiting to get my guts around entirely too much pizza... but I'm typing this bullshit instead so we better be clear: Horror Movies = Good. Rob Zombie and John Carpenter = Good. House of 1000 Corpses, Devils Rejects, Halloween = Good. Okay? Okay... Onward and upward... *

With this groundwork in place, I ignored all the negative reviews floating around about the new Halloween II film and drug my dumb ass to the theatre to do the only respectable thing I could do get really wasted, sneak into the theatre through the back door, buy a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn (which, coincidentally, actually cost more than a real Cadillac) then proceed to waste a couple hours of my highly valuable life and check it out for myself.

Here's the kicker: For this viewing, I had the entire theatre to myself... and I'm talking a full, Jurassic Park sized theatre! So, imagine you're me *I call that burning sensation you're imagining "Ashley Greene, Kate Beckinsale and Scarlett Johansson" * and you have a bit of that Devils Rejects anxiety running through you. You're about to view a private screening with a film who's main character is the progenitor of horror movie gold for decades to follow and you have a Cadillac sized bag of popcorn clogging your colon. How could anything go wrong? My only concern was the whiplash I was guaranteed to receive from constantly looking over my shoulder...

But the movie sucked.

Here's the trailer anyway...

p

T4P5 Vs. Winestock

2009-09-08T11:22:00.013-07:00

Take note people: If you ever want to hang out, and really, who doesn't (and, no, I don't mean going commando with your fly open... though, really, I'm sure I'm not the only one who prefers it that way... right?), then tell me you want to take a float plane to a small island, camp at a secluded winery on a cliff with access to a private cove for three days, see great live music, eat awesome barbecue and drink our faces off... and I'll be balls deep in that quicker than you can say "Mr. Ashworth? I'm Fred Wilmington from Wilmington, Barret and Haas Service and Procedures Incorporated. With acceptance of this document you have been officially served notice by Her Majesty's Highest Court and the Good People of Great Britain, that you will no longer be permitted to step foot on the shores of England until such time as you have apologized to Kate Beckinsale for the dirty, dirty things you think about her every time a trailer for her new movie, Whiteout, is shown on television" (pfffftttt... I wasn't going to go back there anyway... right Katie? That's right. Now, go put on that little Pocahontas costume you wore in that Adam Sandler movie... yeah... that's the one)

Anyhow, that's pretty much how I spent this past weekend (I mean the winery thing, not the Kate Beckinsale thing).

Winestock is the annual event hosted on Pender Island by the fine and generous people at the Morning Bay Vineyard and Estate Winery. The event is focused around a live, outdoor music festival and a sampling of the wine made by Morning Bay. From top to bottom, the event was receptive, entertaining, beautiful and very relaxed. If you're ever looking for a great way to spend a Labour Day weekend, I would definitely look into this well organized and enjoyable event... plus, getting really, really blasted on excellent wine at reduced prices in the sunshine while stuffing your guts on grilled goodies and listening to the incredibly talented awesomeness of performers like Coco Love Alcorn (who really stood out with an exceptional performance... and I'm not just saying that because I was drunk and she was a female singing songs about bicycles and nerdy boys *swoon* though that didn't hurt...) isn't a bad way to spend a couple of days without a shower.

So... yeah. Besides a shout out to Spidey for hooking up the weekend, that's pretty much all I've got.

Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #3 - The Last House On The Left

2009-09-02T17:00:00.011-07:00

Okay, when I say I'm gonna do something, I do it, damn it! (or I make up more and more feeble excuses over time until the excuse mutates into something fantastic about you... like your new deodorant! Is that designer? Really? You smell like I imagine sex with Ashley Greene would be like... I'm classy) So, for you, dear readers, I've exposed myself to the recently-remade-and-now-out-on-DVD 'The Last House On The Left'... then the neighbour started yelling things at me like, "Why are you exposing yourself to the TV with the windows open? Put some pants on or I'm calling the cops!" Something like that. I wasn't really paying much attention, but what a whiner! Boo hoo, buddy. Boo hoo.

After the cops tased me and duct taped my pants to my hips, I cooked up some perogies and checked out the latest addition to Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews - The Last House On The Left

Maybe you remember, or maybe you're high and your short term memory is shit right now... either way, as you may or may not recall (DUCK!!! that was for the high readers... totally love messing with the DUCK!!! damn... you really are high...) the original, Wes Craven directed version really messed with my head when I saw it as a child. It was really brutal and dealt with subject matter I wasn't old enough to comprehend. In the end, it really put a dent in my cinematic psyche. But, when I found out about the remade version, I was actually a little excited. I figured it would be modernized, which would strip away the look of the original that was so low budget it had a real documentary feel to it. In that film, the low budget look lent to the awfulness of the subject matter in ways that a highly polished, big budget film simply couldn't duplicate. Also, for the most part, all the recent horror remakes have been toned down for the summer crowd consumption... so clearly they weren't going to emulate the harshness of the original.... right? Well, one out of two ain't bad...

Outside of the typical, grievous bodily harm, the thing that made the original film so horrible was the intensity of the sexual violence (I'm actually making a face of disgust at the screen as I type that). It's what really sets the stage for the depth of brutality in the second half of this film that, at it's core, is basically a revenge film. The plot is simple: Bad people rape and attempt to murder a young girl then end up unknowingly taking shelter with the girls parents. The daughter manages to return home and the parents extract an insanely brutal, vengeance-based assault... free of audience judgement because we've been exposed to their motivation in great depth.

What I was hoping beyond hope was that this film would succeed for me this time... and I'll tell you why (did you ever doubt): I gave too much credit to the human race. I really believed that in this day and age, a modern audience does not need to see a 10 minute rape scene on a 70' wide screen for any reason at any time to set the stage for any form of motivation. I really thought we were knowledgeable and compassionate enough at this stage of our evolution that just hinting at what had occurred would be enough to incite a theatre to riotous rage... but apparently I was wrong. And you know... With just the hint, I would watch the parents cut every person in a 10 mile radius into squishy bits with a butter knife and a blowtorch for 18 hours of real-time mayhem. But having to be exposed to it at length (and yes, I keep using that word for a reason... because I don't feel like I've watched a movie as much as I've been exposed to it)... while the girl watches her friend dying of stab wounds just out of arms reach, ejected me so completely out of the story that I could only focus on the rest as a technical exercise.

So... I don't know. Lots of people have told me they liked the movie... but I think it's more just the thrill of revenge that they like. I pretty much wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.

The End.

p

You Blink When You Breathe And You Breathe When You Lie. You Blink When You Lie.

2009-08-31T19:52:00.018-07:00

Honestly, the life of a Man About Town such as myself can be a tiresome and time consuming venture. I've been so busy partying, socializing, mixing it up, if you will (by which I mean getting wasted and picking up girls almost half my age... What? Don't turn jealousy into hate. I'll treat her well... and if not her, probably her mom... and if I have my way, both!) that I haven't had the time to uphold more serious responsibilities (like getting wasted and doing movie reviews for you ingrates).

So, dear reader, though I'd love to be slobbering opinion about a movie I probably won't remember in the morning, I have a special treat for you: Today I'm going to slobber opinion about a new album I've recently started rocking that's pretty much kicking the shit out of me harder than a fire hose enema!

The craftsmen (and woman) behind this masterpiece of pummeling poop projection perfection is the recently assembled band 'The Dead Weather'

Forming in Nashville in March of 2009, the band wrote and recorded the impromptu album, 'Horehound' that was released the following July and debuted at number 6 on the Billboard charts largely based on the unique and talented members that pulled together from their already successful projects. The who's who of this superstar lineup includes Alison Mosshart of The Kills, Dean Fertita of Queens Of The Stone Age, Jack Lawrence of the Raconteurs, and Jack White of The White Stripes. Together this band has spewed forth a rocking, seething, hard hitting assembly of filthy-dirty tracks (with more fuzz than a women's prison) that hit with a fresh vitality reminiscent of the power displayed in Rage Against The Machine's debut CD way back when. Yeah.... that kind of hard hitting...

If you like good music... and, let's face it, if you're reading this blog, you're clearly an intelligent, classy and compassionate individual who's ensconced themselves in culture and worldly cares and therefore hasn't got enough common sense to realize I would steal your wallet from your pants pocket by reaching under the public toilet stall just so I could get the 9 piece nuggets instead of the 6... and women, I'm talking to you... then you'd probably listen to the recorded sounds of wolverine intercourse if I told you it was hip... which I wouldn't because "hipsters" have stolen what was "hip" about the word "hip" (apparently "douchebag" didn't sound as good) but I digress... seriously... what the hell was I talking about??? I heart Vicodin! (just kidding! relax! I meant Tylenol with Codeine... number 4's!) Oh yeah! The Dead Weather! Damn! Bad Ass band! Here's a video. It's BAD ASS TOO!!! seriously one of the most kinetic videos I've seen since Duran Duran's 'Wild Boys'... except it's nothing like that........ watch it. Buy the CD. Tell me I was right (or tell me I was wrong... and I'll introduce you to the back of my hand!)

Thirty4Point5 Presents: Uuuuuuughhhhh!

2009-08-21T22:46:00.002-07:00

So... I'm 30 minutes into The Last House On The Left and I've officially pushed too far. I'm WAYYYYYYYY too wasted to continue (17 shots = retarded)

I'll let you know what I think of this film ASAP...

wow...

p

Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews - The Sub-Plot (AKA Dexter)

2009-08-21T20:27:00.012-07:00

Always thirsty for entertainment, I've recently taken on the series 'Dexter' to see if it holds up to some of the amazing things I've seen come out of serialized drama in the past few years (i.e. Six Feet Under, Lost, Rome, True Blood, Generation Kill, Etc.) and I have been far from disappointed.

So, to warm up for tonight's Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews - The Last House On The Left, I've been watching the most recent (for me) episode of Dexter (which happens to be Season 2 Episode 2). And, WOW. This series hasn't let me down for a second... and, maybe it's the tequila (that I'm 10 shots into), or maybe it's true... but this has been one of the most focused episodes on everything that I've come to love about this series.

I did take some notes... but first, this commercial announcement...

As mentioned, tonight's tequila is Hornitos - Resposado from Sauza. As far as tequilas go, I've found it to be one of the smoothest, most floral tequilas I have tried. It goes down smooth from first taste to final palate and has an oddly fruity quality to it's flavour that makes the 15 plus shot count (so far) not seem like an exercise in tolerance...

Anyway, before I begin the official start of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #3 - The Last House On The Left... here are some of the thoughts I've had about the incredibly enjoyable series, Dexter... as it's related to this episode and the series in general:

First... for a unique and uncharacteristically cast character, Dexter's sister Deb, played by actress Jennifer Carpenter, is so hot it hurts! She's very unique looking and pretty far outside the realm of typical Hollywood beauty, but damn is her character ever hot!!! I say "character" because maybe she's a twat in real life (I'm officially bringing back the word "twat"... isn't it great?)... either way... whether real or fiction, that girl is someone I just want to put my arms around and love... and do dirty, dirty things to...

Second... the characters are amazing in this series! I'm totally into each and every one of them. What a spectacular cast and equally well written characters!

The writing on this series is superb. I'm all about the one liners, and I've taken note on a couple that I'll post below...

"I'm not human"

"No. Just Fucked up"

Great!

"Where do I put Chino when I'm done with him?"

This line is officially BRUTAL because it so very casually exposes the monstrosity that is our Hero... but, to the credit of the writers, they stepped it up tenfold by making this the next line...

"So, this is the man that stands between me and Death Row"

Trust me... these lines are out of context... but borne of the weight of the first season, these lines are heavy-ass shit! The writing on this series is absolutely unbelievable! Though, I admit, I wasn't 100% sold at first... but once these characters become clear to you... it's a little staggering how well they're written...

Anyway... this episode knocked my socks off! Can't wait to get into the next one! But, for now, it's time to get the main event underway! Check back soon for some totally incoherent babble about the film, Last House On The Left...

Until then, Happy Drinking!

Inglorious Quick Note

2009-08-21T17:49:00.013-07:00

Saw the midnight showing of the new film by Quentin Tarantino, 'Inglorious Basterds,' last night. I'd really love to provide you with a solid review of this film, but I'm not so sure I can. See... I wake up for work at 4:30am (I'm a Vampire Hunter and it's always best to catch them just before sunrise... 'cause they look so damn pretty in that light. What? I said "hunter" not "slayer"... can't a guy have a vampire fetish? Ashley?) and by the time the movie started, I was well on my way to sleepy-sleepy land, where Ninjas ride gorillas into battle against robot-pirate-zombies... with laser boobies. But, here are a few of the impressions that I got when my eyes opened:

Nerds love Quentin Tarantino

QT's films have gotten better with every effort

2.5 hours is a long time to read a subtitled film that isn't Seven Samurai

The acting in this film is exceptional with a capital X... no wait... that's not right......

Movies without popcorn sucks

I wish the guy next to me had brought gum to cover up the rotting carrion death stench of his damn gaping gob

The violence in this film is as visceral and realistic as I've ever seen

Although I slept through all the punchlines, I woke up every time the audience laughed... so, apparently there's some good ol' QT humour in it...

This film is beautifully tragic

I really have to see this movie again... perhaps when it comes out on DVD (by which I mean "after my download of the screen-shot video from Pirate Bay is complete"... p.s. I kid. I would never do that! ...I always download from Mini Nova now that Pirate Bay is such a legal heat score)

I wouldn't be surprised to see this movie get an Academy Award nod in some way... it's a pretty solid, quality film

Quentin Tarantino never went to history class

That's pretty much all I've got. I would recommend seeing this film if you don't mind subtitles and can handle viddying a bit of the old Ultra-Violence. I will definitely be checking it out again... perhaps as a future Totally Wasted Movie Review... which, by the by, gets rolling again in a couple of hours.

Tonight's tequila, Hornitos - Resposado, is brought to you by the fine people at Sauza, Brewery Creek Beer & Wine on Main Street in Vancouver, the Number Drunk, and the Letter Pizza... I'll let you know what I think of it after the 15th shot :)

Be Awesome!

Alright Suckas! Jump The Hell On Back!

2009-08-20T19:14:00.012-07:00

So... This move and summer and work and heat and poor and movies and bikes and a whole shit load of other excuses have really put the Ju Ju on my Mojo for the past couple of months. I tell you, I've been like a fat kid at Lazy Camp (sponsored by the fine people at McDonald's). I'm generally pretty neurotic (and a little neurotically pretty... ladies?) but lately my brain's been funkier than Kimbo Slice's jock... or so I've heard (right mom?) (what? I always call your sister mom... she thinks it makes her sound older)... anyway, where was I? Oh yeah... Thirty4Point5 (brought to you by the obese, lazy, Big Mac eatin', illegal sister porkin', somehow knowin' how Kimbo's jock smells people of... well... me) !

Now, because I love you all, and some of you more than others (Ashley, I'm still waiting... I know you're busy and shit but sooner or later I'm just gonna have to move on... I hear my left hand is back in town too and looking for some kicks... by which I mean masturbation... get it? me neither) I'm going to kick off the relaunch of this Awesome-Awesome (that's like almost the same as Really Really Really cool) Blog (which, lets face it, is really more like a receptacle of rad), with the official return to, with and of... Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #3 - The Last House On The Left THIS FRIDAY NIGHT!!!

Now, a little history lesson... no... wait! Come back... I don't mean stupid history like with facts and junk... I mean my history as it relates to this film! No? Still not coming back? What if I promised you hookers? No? Still going, heh? You'll be back... Anyway, when I was pretty young I saw the original Wes Craven version of this movie. If you've seen it you probably know that it's pretty harsh... and to a 12 year old boy, it was almost as brutal as that same boy at 9 years old seeing the rape scene in Clockwork Orange (starting to get an idea of my formative years?). I've been a horror movie buff my whole life, but I never wanted to see that film a second time. A couple of years ago they re-released it on a special edition DVD. The day it was released, I went to the store on my lunch break, tracked it down, snatched it off the shelf, turned it over to see what special features were included and spotted the few images on the back of the case. Those few images were like a kick in the nuts... without the actual kick... or the pain associated with kicks to the nuts... so I guess it wasn't really anything like that at all... but it did affect me enough that I turned the case around, put it back on the shelf and went back to work without it. It affected me that much.

Fortunately, since Hollywood has officially run out of new ideas, Last House on the Left has received the generally awful modernization remake... except, I hear this one is pretty good. So good, in fact, that we're gonna put it to the test to see how it holds up against way too much tequila! Arriba! Until then, here's the trailer:

See you Friday!

p

p.s.... we still <3 Ashley Greene!

Jaded: Part 2, Confessions

2009-07-26T23:06:00.006-07:00

I guess, dear reader, that I should just come out and say what it is I'm trying to say with this little project, then we can get down to explaining how it is we got from Point A to Point B... well... almost to point B. Almost. See, I'm not who you think I am. Sure the person you see at work or at shows or on the street is every bit the person who's actions have defined whatever our relationship is, but I am not Peter Ashworth. I never have been. Unfortunately, what my real name is I can't say at this time. See, there's this Point B thing looming on the horizon... and by "looming" I mean "waiting to destroy me"... the real me... whomever that may be. And, although every moment of my life is drawing me toward that conclusion, if you know anything about me, you know my brain is running rampant with schemes on how to come out on top of this situation. Also if you know anything about me, you know you're just going to have to trust that I can't risk exposing how close I am to seeing my plans come to pass.

Now, I may not be able to tell you my real name, but I can tell you this; after the death of my father... my real father... I spent a few years in various foster homes. For the most part, this wasn't as bad as a lot of the stories make them out to be. A lot of the places I stayed were run by loving, caring people who just feel compelled to do something to quiet that voice in their head. Which, believe me, I understand all too well. And though the people running the homes were often kind hearted, what I brought into their homes was far from the same. I was a monster, to say the least. I was violent, angry, aggressive, argumentative, and scheming... but I was also intelligent, calculating, imaginative and tenacious. If there was something I wanted, you can believe I was planning ways to get it. Intricate ways. For instance, If I wanted a cookie from the pantry but was unable to reach where they were, I may, say, take the ex-lax from the bathroom, put some in the cats water dish, wait until one of the older children was sent to the pantry with the step ladder to remove the kitty litter from the top shelf, wait until he'd carried the bag out of sight and then used the ladder myself to not only win my prize, but, in all likelihood, place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the older child who was only doing as he was asked. Sorry Scotty :) Needless to say, my caregivers and I were often at odds... Scotty and I didn't get along too well either.

Addendum

2009-06-29T17:25:00.005-07:00

Turns out the new Thirty4Point5 Corpse Covers are also explosion proof. Case in point: this photograph depicting my harrowing escape after rescuing these two plastic jugs from the Los Juggalos Criminal Compound, Dominican Republic. Now, I'm not telling you this to sell hats... I'm just sayin'... EXPLOSION PROOF! They pretty much sell themselves.

p

Get 'Em While They're Cold - New Corpse Covers!

2009-06-28T14:22:00.005-07:00

Afraid the police might notice your friend is just a severed head? Tired of being asked to buy an extra ticket when you take your decapitated buddy to the movies? Sick of always getting told the All-You-Can-Eat price only covers you and if that rotting head of yours plans on staying, he's gonna have to pay as well?

Me too! (See, Ashley Greene, how much we have in common? You should totally marry me!)

So, since life seems to have a tendency to be way too unfair, we (meaning me) at Thirty4Point5 have come up with a solution: Thirty4Point5 Presents: Corpse Covers!

Now you can take your decomposing head anywhere, anytime, without the hassles of having to accept the responsibility that comes along with it. Simply hide the questionable cranium under one of these stylish chapeaus and you'll be sitting pretty... without all the unwanted questions. And it even prevents accelerated decomposition caused by the uncaring, uncompromising sun! Take that Sol!

Where can you get one of these incredible devices? Simple! Right here! At Thirty4Point5, we have all your needs taken care of... usually before you even realize you have a need! We're that progressive!

Hit me up if you can't live without one of these life saving devices... Quantities are limited (to however many I make up on the spot) so act fast... you'll be glad you did!

* Note: Corpse Covers do not come with severed head... also, Thirty4Point5 and it's subsidiaries accepts no responsibility for the acquisition, use of, or criminal prosecution inherent with severed heads or the bodies to which they once belonged.

** Note 2: Thirty4Point5 DOES accept responsibility for Ashley Greene being as awesome as we (meaning I) say she is...

'Got Fight?' - Reviewing Forrest Griffin's New Book

2009-06-27T23:12:00.004-07:00

Just finished reading Forrest Griffin's book, 'Got Fight?' and was thoroughly entertained. It's funny, insightful, scary and an all around good read. Now... it is intentionally overt in it's machismo and kind of homophobic... although I read it as not being serious and instead being part of the intentional overtness 'cause, for the most part, the context tends to be him making fun of himself. Also, there's a whole lot of space at the end dedicated to basic fight techniques. If you know anything about fighting or do any training yourself... it's a little redundant. Sure there's comical aspects to the writing in this section, but I found myself just giving up on reading through them.

If you're an MMA, UFC, or Forrest Griffin fan, it's definitely worth a read... and even if you're not, it's pretty damn funny. Forrest is definitely a character and though not incredibly long, this book gives you a pretty healthy dose of his personality.

Check out Forrest's site for more info: http://www.forrestgriffin.net/news/

p

See, Told You So!

2009-06-01T22:55:00.004-07:00

Long time listener, first time caller Barb inspired me to make another spectacular edition to add to my multitude of (AKA two) motivational posters. So I thought I'd throw this one up here as well. This is the world premier folks! Get 'em while they're hot * can also be taken home and microwaved later... in a microwave safe bowl.

p

Okay... Geez... I'm SORRY!

2009-06-01T22:17:00.007-07:00

Yeah, I've been a little lazy in my efforts to fill your life with.. me...... ahem... but alas, that shall be changing soon. I've reorganized my life a little and should have some more free time to dedicate to this centre of good times and schizophrenic madness... So look for more updates soon.

In the meantime, I've created this inspirational poster to give me that extra little something I need to ensure I'm gettin' her done. Feel free to spread this around. I'd love to see it go viral like those nude pictures of Rihanna... and, failing that, I'd just kinda like to see Rihanna nude. I'm a simple man...

See you soon!

A Pretentious Trailer

2009-05-14T06:58:00.002-07:00

Here you go kiddies! A little something to tide you over... This is the official 30 second teaser trailer for the film I just finished working on, 'Anti Porn,' so check it out, Yo! * Apparently it's not so obvious... so... for the record... I'm the dancing douchebag at the end :)

Thirty4Point5 Presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews, The Party: Brokeback Mountain

2009-05-09T03:49:00.009-07:00

Okay... Jason gave me the idea of having Totally Wasted Movie Reviews be about more than just myself and a bottle of tequila. So I expanded the concept to include a group of friends whilst we took in (post tequila and chicken enchiladas) Brokeback Mountain.

Now... I could write a bunch of fluff about how I felt about this movie... but let me set the record straight: by the time the movie started, I was way too wasted to follow the movie from one minute to the next.

The company I had was incredible. I'm not very social, so to have my living room filled with people I didn't want to kill was an acceptable start to the evening. The dinner I made them all meant the world to me (it was chicken enchiladas with fresh fried chips and home-made salsa)... but, as far as the movie was concerned, I may as well have been asleep... almost.

See, I've never seen Brokeback Mountain before... but I get the concept of lost love... especially "lost love" after a dozen shots of tequila!

So... I dunno... I suspect this movie was pretty good... it looked good when I could shut the hell up long enough to look at the screen. But, when dude goes to other dudes parents place... and sniffs his cowboy gear... 'cause he's dead... I cried like a little bitch... in front of a half a dozen people (which I'm not the least bit embarrassed about).

Anyway... I wish I could have afforded more tequila... 'cause, in my opinion, this night ended way too soon. But the depth of F'ed up emotions I feel for lost love probably couldn't have taken more than what I was capable of putting together for this bunch.

Was the movie worth it's accolades?

I dunno... I can barely type!

But probably... it looked pretty solid.

I'll watch it again when there's less pressure and I can cry by my lonesome...

Until then... I wish I wasn't already feeling tomorrows hangover right now...

p

p.s. Anne Hathaway should hook up with me... 'cause... like... she's hot and stuff.

Jaded: Part 1, the Dream

2009-05-07T20:26:00.009-07:00

So... I admit, as fun as I've been having with this blog, the impetus behind it's inception had ulterior intentions besides those you've seen. See... I have this story I need to tell and I'm no writer. I like to think I can spin a clever blog, but the concept of writing a novel just seems so big to me that I've never really gotten my head around it... and therefore I've just been sitting on this stuff. Then one day I had a thought: what if I just told this story piece by piece in a blog? And so, this blog came into being. Now I not only have a venue to tell this tale that's very personal for me, but all the other topics I cover here provide a constant exercise in writing so the tale will begin to come out more naturally as opposed to just trying to sit down and focus on how best to write a book.

Always thinking :)

Anyway... I'm going to lay out the opening of this tale for you now, just to get through it. Forgive me if my writing seems forced or convoluted at times... as I said, I'm no writer. And I apologize if this bit is long (because it will be)... but just take a moment and sink your teeth into this, 'cause I guarantee you're about to learn some stuff about me that you never even dreamed of. Speaking of dreams... without further adieu, let's get this bad boy rolling... I call this story 'Jaded'

***

Part 1, the Dream

Even now, after so many years, it's never the sickness that motivates me to continue forward... keep pushing toward what any "sane" person would consider an insane pursuit. As bad as the sickness gets, it's always been the dreams. The nightmares that kick me in the ass and remind me that quitting isn't even an option I can pretend to entertain. And I can't help but wonder if my dad suffered the same way. Was he also motivated by sickness and the ghosts of a past lost to time?

Whether he was or wasn't is an answer I'll never get any more. These days its way too late for any of the questions I'm still totally clobbered with whenever I think about that night. That night at the core of all the nightmares. That night with the rain soaked windows and cold flashes, lightning exploding pale blue across the ceiling of my bedroom... and thunder so loud it was like every ion in my room was retreating faster than the speed of sound.

The dreams all start the same way... the familiar scent of my dad in the apartment mixed with the smell of my clean sheets. The details are always impeccable, down to the last detail; the sound of the wind whistling through the worn weather stripping around the front door, the hum of the refrigerator, the tick of the living room clock, seeing the warm glow from the night-light in the hallway. These things always fill me with a sense of comfort and safety... then the next flash from outside brings to life, briefly, the minutia of my young life, sprawled throughout the small room.

The night, and the storm it carries, wakes me and I sit up. I'm not afraid at all. I never am. I know right away that my dad isn't home, like most nights, and like every night I never once question if there is anything he couldn't protect me from. I push the blankets aside and dangle my legs over the edge of he bed and look past the tree that almost touches the second-storey window above my desk and out into the dark and wet. My foot brushes against the front end of a toy truck that's poking out from beneath my bed as though hiding from a fear I have no sense of. Even now, all these years after the actual events, I can still feel the cold plastic beneath my toes... like I'm perpetually ten years old... alone in my room... waiting for a future I could never have anticipated.

I stand and walk to the end of my bed then pause. Another flash shows me my reflection in the glass that frames the only picture and the only memory I have of my mother and I together. Even though I was only three years old at the time, the sense of knowing that picture always brings me is unshakable. My dad had told me a lot about her and the love she had for me, her only child. He loved to tell me how, after their first meeting they just knew that there was something unique and special between them. As the story goes, they loved each other from that moment on and nothing was ever going to take that away. "Unfortunately," he used to say, "even the strongest love can't protect you from fate"

I open the door and walk down the hallway, the soft pads of my feet barely making a sound on the cool hardwood floor. The creaking of the cupboard door sounds epic in the still night as I pull it wide and reach past the mugs my dad used to make his tea in to grab my favourite old glass from Burger King with the faded picture of Lando Calrissian on it, and again as I gently close it. Pulling the milk from the fridge, I turn in time for another flash of light to strobe to memory the crashing open of the front door... and the changing of my life forever.

It's the blood that always stands out most in memory. The slick, sticky stuff splashed down the left side of my dads face... painting his clothes in a red so deep it's almost black. SO much blood. The next memory is the ferocity in his eyes, so red themselves it seemed impossible. And really, maybe it's just time that's made me remember these things this way... but I've never seen anyone or anything since that ever looked remotely that inhuman. To see it on the face I had looked to my entire life with care was absolutely terrifying. He made a sound as he exhaled that I'll always remember as the sound a steam engine makes as it slows an immense load... then he fell to the tiled floor at my feet with a sickening thud... and the slap of blood-soaked flesh. for whatever reason, I have no memory of dropping the milk and my favourite glass, but I will never forget the mixing of the milk and the blood, that poured out from my father like a fountain, as it swirled around my bare toes.

"Dad" I remember hearing myself plead, weak and distant... almost like it had drifted into the world between the whispers of the wind outside.

"Son," he replies. Hoarse, but deep and warm. Now his familiar scent is mixed with something else... the acrid tinge of spilled life. "I got them"

"Who, dad" I barely manage to get out. Broken. Pained. Cresting the sobs building just under the surface.

There is SO much blood.

"Promise me" he coughs... bubbles. The terrifying ferocity just a sickening memory now. "Promise"

More lightning.

"I promise, dad. Just be okay"

"Promise you'll follow in my footsteps"

"I promise... I promise... please... don't die"

***

Groovy Sneak Peak!

2009-05-04T22:20:00.008-07:00

Allllllright. Just thought I'd throw this up in this piece for some shitzingiggles. This is a first look at Jive Talkin' DJ Willie Supreme... your looooooove doctor with all the medicine you need, right here, at Thirty4Point5... except it was KLW LUV 104.5 in the script... but I can take liberties... right, copyright holder? That's right! Please don't sue me, Ira. Sometimes, when I eat shoe-polish, I get a little crazy... crazy... I sometimes get... mmmmmm, shoe-polish. Could someone please pass me the mustard?

As I was saying, this was my character in the film I worked on this past weekend. Now tell me, honestly, that's one fine moustache! Am I right? Of course I am... sometimes. Okay, never...

The filming is now complete and the post-production is underway. The story, thus far, is that it will be shown at the Anza Club here in Vancouver after it's finished... so I'll keep you posted.

p.s.... I did finally see all of Wolverine. I was going to write a complete review, but I'll just make it short and sweet: It's a movie about Wolverine. Sure it's different than the comics... but... ummm... grow up Nerdkins, the comic book isn't exactly biographical... it's a 'comic book'... it's not real... if Wolverine suddenly becomes a shrew, who cares??? Anyway... it's a comic book movie, far from the worst of them. Hugh Jackman is still Wolverine, the history is different from the comics, there's some unnecessary CG shots that the movie would have benefited without, but it was fun, the action was good, I'd see it again (and I will).

Not everybody has to be critical about everything. It's okay if some of us lighten up and find ways to enjoy whats in front of us instead of finding clever ways to complain about what's missing. Open your mind or you'll miss your life.

Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Who Knew Hitler Was Spanish?

2009-05-02T23:29:00.023-07:00

Just a couple of quick blurbs...

Shot my stuff for the Ira Jacob Cooper film 'Anti Porn' today. As always it was an excellent time working with Ira and Angel Acosta! The ideas are way off the hook and the environment they provide always allows for plenty of opportunity to bring whatever it is you've got to bring to the table... and then some. I can't even begin to describe what this film is going to be like once it's cut together... but, let me just say, in it I play Willie Supreme the pimp-ass peeping-tom DJ, a half-naked cowboy with whipped cream running off my face, and a Spanish guy dressed as Hitler hidden in a closet. Seriously, what more could you need to hear before you start phoning in your Academy Award nominations? If you're still not convinced, here's a quote from Angel Acosta himself that I found published someplace (AKA my Facebook page...) , "you played 3 different characters in 1 movie-thats Peter Sellers good!!" I rest my case and should probably get comfortable with "rest" since Angel doesn't know what the hell he's talking about and, after seeing my performance in this film, it's unlikely anyone will ever hire me again! I also had the pleasure of working with two very fine actors, Anna Hassard and Jeff Kaiser... as well as the very talented Fernanda Araujo and Shahram Nasr working the camera, lights and audio. The good folks at Fortunato Films always know where to dig up the best, brightest and most beautiful talent and it was a pleasure to once again be included in one of their productions.

Now... speaking of productions: Wolverine! What could I possibly say about this film except, it would have been way better if, after an hour into the film, it didn't flip upside down and start playing in reverse from the end. For a few minutes... okay... the entire time... I swear I thought I was having acid flashbacks... and by "flashbacks" I mean "the acid I took 30 minutes before was really starting to kick my ass!" I'm generally not so picky about what I find entertaining hell, I still get hours of enjoyment from farts, boogers and lint in my belly button, but spoiling the end of the movie in reverse... then letting the film run for at least ten minutes before management stopped it and kicked us all out with a refund and a complimentary movie pass... has to be one of the lamest movie-going experiences I've ever had... and I've had some pretty bad ones like the time I vomited blueberry pie all over the other pie eating contestants, thus causing everyone in the crowd to start vomiting on each other... and no, I didn't steal that from Stand By Me... I stole it from Stephen King's 'The Body'... which was later made into a movie. I can't recall what it was called.... Oh yeah! Stand By Me! Why do you always have to bring up the old shit? So, maybe the movie is good... I can't really say for certain. But what I can say is that I will never stop being entertained by the spectacular shortcomings of others. Thanks Scotiabank Theatre for making my movie premier viewing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine memorably horrendous!

Love, Peace & Chicken Grease,
p

* Note: I wouldn't really take acid, mmm kay... at least not without a flask of tequila to wash it down... and mine got confiscated at the concession stand. What? They're all kids working there for Christ's sake... I thought threatening them with permanent puberty blockage might put the fear in them but, apparently, all those movies and video games really did make all the children violent. It was like swinging through a slugfest of armpit high, popcorn packing prepubescents! Before I knew it, somewhere in the melee I must have dropped ol' Jose Cuervo and left him to that treacherous pack while I fled to the safety of the darkened theatre. Either way, drugs are bad. However... I really do find farts, boogers and belly button lint quite enthralling...

True Dat!

2009-04-30T22:30:00.012-07:00

Okay. So. Stupid life has been taking up my stupid time. Man, everything is so stupid! * Except me... and Ashley Greene... we're still totally awesome! Anyway, I'm going to do my best to shrug off some responsibilities in the very near future and get you 50cc's of Blog, STAT!

In the meantime, here's 2 things 4 you:

1) Do I ever love me some energy drink. mmmmmmm, mmm! Yes sir! And as a mix for Gold Rum... even mmmmmmm, mmm-ier! Now, I've tried them all... from Red Bull, to Rockstar, to Xenergy, to crack... no... wait... skip that last part. Crack is bad... as a mix. But now, thanks to some very clever product placement in 'Fast and Furious'... what?... Paul Walker personally coerced me into getting my fix on with a drink called NOS... just like the nitrous they inject into their cars in the movie! See, kids, that's called clever marketing! Now, because I'm an advertisement sponge... kinda like Spongebob if Spongebob were awesome... I just had to test drive (how's that for clever wording? see... it's topical... so it's... never mind...) some for myself... and who knows, maybe if I'm as cool as Paul Walker's character, I could hook up with that girl from the movie that he [spoilers ahead] hooks up with. So I tried some! Now, I don't know dick about cars, Nitrous, or chicks that Paul Walker character's would hook up with, but I do know one thing: this drink gets me tweaked! With 343mg of caffeine per bottle, if you just chug a bit off the top, then replace that with 2 of those Rockstar shots (with 200mg of caffeine each), drop in a double shot of Jagermeister... then I'd guess you'd have a trip to the cardiologists for an alllllllll nighter! Guaranteed! Personally, I haven't tried this concoction yet... but I'm curious what 743mg of caffeine and a puke inducing quantity of Jager would do for maintaining the journalistic integrity of the infamous Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. [Anyone want to take bets on whether I make it through a movie alive? * I'm betting everything I've got on SIDS (Stupid Idea Death Syndrome)...]

2) What you're looking at in this tiny image to the left (click for a larger image) are the first two shirt designs for Thirty4Point5 (that's this blog for those of you who wear crash helmets and drool bibs... which, ladies, I happen to find hot... especially since I know that pretty much guarantees you're available...) The top one says (since I know you cant read it) 'Thirty4Point5 [hearts] Ashley Greene' and has the blog URL across the back in shameless advertising fashion (see Paul Walker, I'm learning!)... and the second, if you're not so clever and can't figure it out, just says 'Thirty4Point5' also with the URL on the back. Now... I'm pretty sure they'll be selling for about $25 each... not because I think I'm Bono and anything I stick my stink-fingers into is worth a mint... but because, let's face it, there's probably only about 2 people on the planet who want them and quantities that low don't come cheap (if you need a stack, Ashley, give me a call and I'll see if i can't knock them down a buck or two for you) But, if for some obscene, irrational reason you think you might like to replace that old A-TEAM t-shirt you sleep in with something guaranteed to land you hot chicks like my girl, Ashley, then hit me up and I'll deliver the goody-good-goods.

That's pretty much it.

Tomorrow is geek Friday, so I've taken the day off to go see that movie about that hairy guy from the movie 'Australia'... Huge Jackass, or something... what's it called again? Wolverton? Whatever... expect a review laden with unappreciated spoilers.

Also, the next film I'll be in gets shooting this weekend as well! I'm really looking forward to it... mostly 'cause I'm kinda all about shaving off this beard I've grown so I could cut out a lush pimp-stache for the character... and 'cause acting is fun! It's like when the cops stop you and you have to explain that, though you look over 30, you're definitely 14 and, therefore, he should stop worrying about why he rolled up on the street to find you with your tongue in his daughters ear... it's all about the performance in the moment, man. Can you dig it?

And I swear... that interview with Deniz is coming. It turns out my ambitions were bigger than the average blog-reader's attention span and I've collected entirely too much information and need to trim it down so you won't just blow over it... 'cause Deniz is the bomb... and he'll blow your shit up if you don't pay attention to what he's got to say (he talks a lot of trash about Vancouver and Paris. Are you all fired up now?)

So... yeah... that's it!

p

Religiflied

2009-04-20T07:46:00.007-07:00

This is one of the great shots of yours truly taken by photographer Deniz Merdan on Tuesday night. Look for the interview later today and discover the whozits and whatnots that move this young shutterbug.

p

Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #2: The Spirit

2009-04-19T23:36:00.015-07:00

Okay... I'm totally wasted (11 shots of tequila... I kept a running tally)

This totally awesome review is for the "film" The Spirit... see 2 posts ago for a synopsis 'cause, seriously, I can't recap...

Anyway... this review is the bomb... here we go:

The Spirit... FAIL!!!

I'm seriously only about 15 minutes in and I can't watch another second. What a waste of tequila!!!

Rather than waste any more of my wastedness on a review, I'll say this: don't waste your time... not even one second. And, if you watched the trailer I posted, I apologize for wasting those moments of your life.

Instead, here are the notes I was taking as I was wasting 15 minutes of my life!

[spoilers ahead]

***

Trailers: Blue Ray T2 = Awesome!

Hulk vs... - Awesome!

Crank / Transporter - LAME!

Opening visually captivating

Sin City?? LAME...

Action solid... so far

Thumbs up

Eva Mendes :)

Bathroom Break - I'm F-Bombed up (11 shots)

Frank Miller cameo lame

Underwater scene - wizzeak!

Sound design nice... as far as sounds... but wrong in a cinematic sense. Incongruous.

Samuel L. Jackson first words, "Heads up" (then he hits The Spirit with a head) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!

Scarlett Johansson!!! (Call me!)

Eyelashes??? 72 pt. "WTF???"

If it wasn't for you, dear reader, I would have shut this off now.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!

Sorry... I can't watch this...

p

p.s. Watching 'Lost in Translation' instead... at least until I pass out. Say... does anyone know how to get vomit stains out of a white, ultra-suede couch?

p.p.s. Have I mentioned how much I love Scarlett Johansson's character in Lost in Translation? 'Cause I kinda do... (Call Me!)

Departures

2009-04-19T22:10:00.008-07:00

Okay... I'm 5 shots into my preparation for Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #2: The Spirit... and I'm already feelin' it.

While I'm prepping, I'm watching the only television show that means anything to me... Departures. It's a travel show... but it's so much more! Every time I watch it, it strips away a piece of my soul. It's so beautiful, so entertaining and so inspirational I don't really think I can put into words how it makes me feel.

This concept of staying in one place, working one job for fifteen years, settling down to one culture, or the lack thereof, is such a heinous waste of a human life... and Departures reminds me of that every week.

Here's the link to the shows website... I highly recommend you introduce yourself and get on board. You're seriously denying yourself of something amazing if you don't...

Departures

Every time I watch Departures, I just want to run far and run fast... but, unfortunately, dear readers, I simply can't afford to live the life of a global nomad... so, if you happen to be a bazillionaire looking for a travel companion... I'll leave tomorrow... and if you happen to be a smokin' hot female bazillionaire, I'll head outside RIGHT NOW and wait for the first cab to get me to the airport.

Damn, this show bums me out... it's just way.too.good.

Someone please get me out of here!!!

"How am I supposed to watch the show when I'm too busy living it?" - Justin Lukach - claiming a plot of Antarctica with Scott Wilson for Departures... (seriously, made me teary eyed...)

Oh! It's On!!! Totally Wasted Movie Reivews #2 [teaser]: The Spirit

2009-04-19T14:28:00.004-07:00

That's right kidlings! It's time for another epic chapter of Thirty4Point5 presents: Totally Wasted Movie Reviews!

Tonight's movie will be 'The Spirit' based on the Will Eisner comic book series with director and screenplay credits going to Frank Miller. Sure 'Sin City' had it's cache, and '300' was pretty epic, but something about this movie just never felt right to me from the trailers... and just reminded me that Frank also wrote 'Robocop 2'... so... yeah..... we'll see.

I figure, in a worst case scenario, I'll have the obscene pleasure of drooling my drinks through the on screen graces of Eva Mendes, Jamie King and Scarlett Johansson (call me!)... even if this movie isn't as good as 'Twilight' *that's a joke... unless your Ashley Greene... in which case I mean it most sincerely (call me!) it should make for something good to dream about later (I'm simple... and single! ladies???)

Here's the plot summary from imdb

Rookie cop Denny Colt returns from the beyond as The Spirit, a hero whose mission is to fight against the bad forces in Central City.

aaaannnddd... the trailer!

Be sure to check back tomorrow to see how this movie held up against a jug-o-tequila...

You're Listening to the Smooth Sounds of Jive Talkin' Willie Supreme...

2009-04-16T18:56:00.007-07:00

Alright already! Hold yer damn proverbial horses... and sheep too... I hear they're all kinds of friendly... I mean for you, of course... not that there's anything wrong with.. y'know... making wool sweaters from their fleece. What did you think I meant?

I should be transcribing my interview from Tuesday night with Photographer Deniz Merdan, but, let's face it, being one seriously bad ass blogger extraordinaire hardly pays the bills! So I'm just a little pooped from my 9 to 5... well, more like 8 to 4:30... except on Mondays and Fridays, which run from 6:30am to 9pm... no joke... it's why I am the bazillionaire you see before you... or, would see if I was your monitor. Anyway, I didn't want to leave you hangin' tooth and nail for some Thirty4Point5 lovin' so I finished up my character development and script learnin' to drop you a special little video I'm especially fond of... just to keep you groovin' until tomorrow.

This little diddy is by the brilliant artist Laurent Garnier and the song is called 'The Man with the Red Face' This may or may not be your thang, but don't let that distract you from the fact that it is an excellent sample of somebody else's thang (including me) and the fact that this, dear videographers-to-be, is how you utilize the medium of music videos to prove your brilliance to the world.

Enjoy!

p

Hunger: Intense, Visceral, Painful. A Must See.

2009-04-15T22:33:00.008-07:00

* Warning: Historical spoilers.
In 1981, after four and a half years at Maze Prison in Northern Ireland, Bobby Sands, IRA "terrorist," beaten, humiliated and denied status as a political prisoner by Margaret Thatchers regime, organized and carried out a last ditch ultimatum in the form of a self-imposed hunger strike that lasted an agonizing 66 days before his death. Unblinking in the face of doom and certain of his convictions in the name of right and just freedom, his protest, emulated by many others in his wake, grabbed the attention of the world and brought his struggle to the forefront of immutable doctrine in the United Kingdom. Hunger, the new film directed by Steve McQueen, grants us an almost too intimate recounting of the conditions and struggle leading up to and through his final days. Gritty, visceral, startling in it's delivery and lingering in it's clarity, Hunger hearkens back to an old-school, raw form of film-making long lost to the flash and glitter of today's cinematic exploits. The narrative is relatively straight forward but in it's stark delivery we're not so much entertained as we are exposed to the fragile humanity within us all.

Brilliantly acted, beautifully shot, painfully crafted and delivered, the performances carry us away from our accustomed anticipations and expectations and, instead, exist at depths beyond actors portraying characters... at one point clobbering audiences with a twenty plus minute one-shot of the final meeting between martyr and priest that's absolutely incredible.

There's a lot to be said and judged about the events leading up to his imprisonment, but political agendas aside, Hunger is a relentless exposure to an incredibly harsh existence and the paths to which it lead.

I openly admit I love a great deal of throw-away cinema, but I definitely know a work of bitter genius when I see it. Hunger unquestionably falls into a very unique and elite class of movie making. It's not going to ring with everyone... and it's definitely not for anyone looking to hit the theatre on cruise control... but it simply should not be missed.

Hunger opens on Friday, April 17th and if you claim to have even the slightest interest in film-making, I would highly recommend you make your way to a theatre this weekend for a viewing. During the screening, several people left the theatre in the face of such a harsh and intense experience. I would suspect this is a good indication that the average movie goer simply isn't going to be investing their entertainment dollars which can only lead to a limited run... and you won't want to miss this on the big screen.

Michael Fassbender, known for his role as Stelios in Frank Miller's 300, starved himself for two months to portray Bobby Sands

SWEET! Academy Awards, Here I Come!

2009-04-15T14:34:00.009-07:00

Yours truly has just been offered another film role in the upcoming Ira Cooper penned short: The Anti Porn. This time around I get to play a smoooooooth radio announcer. Awesome! Just like real life... except for the whole "radio announcer" thing... oh... and the "smooth" thing too... 'cause I'm rough like that... and scratchy! (Does this look infected?) Either way, as always, I'm really looking forward to exploring another character and getting back in front of the camera! I'll keep you posted.

Now, the only question is whether or not my cumber bun clashes with the red carpet...

p

Me and my hot girlfriend Ashley Greene at another one of my red carpet affairs. Aren't we the cutest couple ever???

Advance Screening: Hunger (I hope it's not inappropriate to stuff my face with popcorn...)

2009-04-15T08:52:00.009-07:00

Well folks, tonight I'm off to the advance screening of Steve McQueen's 'Hunger.' Although it's highly unlikely (meaning highly probable) that this will be round two for Totally Wasted Movie Reviews, I'm still looking forward to getting my film on (that's cool guy talk for watching a movie. Hollywood, readers, it's where I spent a chunk of my youth... right down the street from good ol' Charles Bukowski... which might explain why I do Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. Awwwwww... Chuck is probably shedding a tear right now... that is, he would... if his tear ducts hadn't decomposed post-mortem).

Anyhoo.... here's the plot summary from imdb

Hunger follows life in the Maze Prison, Northern Ireland with an interpretation of the highly emotive events surrounding the 1981 IRA Hunger Strike, led by Bobby Sands. With an epic eye for detail, the film provides a timely exploration of what happens when body and mind are pushed to the uttermost limit. Written by Icon

Look for my review later tonight... or tomorrow... depending on whether or not I stumble home to my bed... or yours (my pass is for two, ladies!). Word!

p

Until then... check out the trailer... it looks all kinds of heavy and amazing:

"The More Nipples You See, The Better The Photo"

2009-04-14T23:21:00.011-07:00

Oh, yes, dear reader... you can expect this and other whimsical tidbits of artistic debauchery when my interview with photographer / film-maker Deniz Merdan hits Thirty4Point5 later this week. Find out where the world is taking him and why!

Until then, eat, drink and be merry... then clean up after yourself and get the hell out of my face!

* I am, of course, just kidding. It's probably best for everyone if you actually just go ahead and get in my face... liiiiiiiiccckkkk!!! Sucker! Now run along to the doctor... they've got something that'll clear that up pretty quick.

Just a Litte Something to Tide You Over

2009-04-14T11:29:00.004-07:00

I heart 65 Days of Static...

I Ain't Too Proud To Beg

2009-04-14T00:36:00.014-07:00

Well, technically I am. I would rather suffer without than freeload off of someone else... most of the time. But, dear readers, Dear Peter is in need.

I know it seems like I live like King Midas, turning everything I touch to gold (*Note: remember to wear Midas-proof gloves after swimming in cold water before... y'know... 'Cause, let's face it, when it comes to gold, size does matter. Am I right?) But you may be surprised to learn that most days I roll pennies just to buy blow... that I then cut with crushed chalk nubs from the local high schools dumpster I sometimes stalk from like Oscar the Pimp-Ass Grouch... that then gets sold for it's weight in Canadian Nickles... just so I can buy some rancid butter to put on the free pasta Super Valu gives me from packages damaged during shipment.

I also know it's hard to believe that someone who's worked 15 years for a multi-billion dollar corporation has a second job and spends his free time figuring out ways to earn more money and still has to roll pennies for coke... but you might be surprised (I know I am every time welfare tells me to get a 7th, 8th or 9th job so I can afford my luxurious lifestyle). So let me tell you, I'm not up grinding my teeth at 1am 'cause I hate my teeth... Oscar's got stuff on his mind and it's not this tasty banana peel!

[side note: I swear to all the heavens above, I will one day slay those damn Japanese-Vampire neighbours of mine... KEEP IT DOWN NOSFELATU!!!]

So, like that rad homeless junkie that never stops saying "'scuse me sir, sir, 'scuse me sir, madame, can you spare some change, sir, madame, 'scuse me, change, sir"... you know the one... I have a little begging of my own to do: If you're anything like me, you have a dozen or so computers taking up space in your closet because you know how we roll: "WHAAAAAAT? I don't even have to use a keyboard on the new Mac???!!! Send me 26, Mr. Apple, one for each letter of the alphabet I will soon forget existed!"...... wait......... that's not right....... what I meant to say was that would be the exact opposite of me... but, you guessed it! I digress!

Anyway, my point is, tonight I tried organizing some images for my Thirty4Point5 t-shirts... but the only computer I have is a work-provided laptop... which is swell and all... I can still watch porn on it and stuff... but it's so locked down with security devices, I can't even add a new font if I so desire. So, naturally, I don't have any good image software, or music software, or video editing software, or any of the stuff that I had on my now dead PC... so, doing any type of creative work is an absolute nightmare... but did I mention I could still watch porn?

To make a long story longer, my question is, do you have any computing devices taking up space in your closet that don't have to be the latest/greatest, but also don't suck, that you'd rather was in my home as opposed to yours? If so, I'd love to hear from you... well... I'd also love to hear from Kate Beckinsale... so I understand if you all maintain your respective silences (is that a word? spellcheck? spellcheck says it is!)... but... ummm... yeah... spare some change, sir, madame, sir, 'scuse me???

p

* Side note 2: Coke is bad, kids. Don't do it... at least until you're 14 and you need something to kick the party into high gear... then just steal it from your mom. What? You think your mom doesn't get freaky when you're having a sleepover at your cousins? Take my word for it, she does. Now get the hell over to your cousins, I've got a pasta dinner to cook!

Thirty4Point5 Gets Rolling Full Steam!

2009-04-13T16:22:00.004-07:00

I have a lot of ideas.

Did i mention I have a lot of ideas?

Well, I have a lot of ideas!

Thirty4Point5 is well on it's way to being the epicenter of anything and everything I've got crashing around between my ears. Check back often and always to see what's going on in our world and to get the latest info on what I've got in store for you!

Upcoming highlights for April include:

An in depth interview with global photographic and film making superstar, Deniz Merdanogullari, as he treats me to a sampling of his work expertise with a photo expose peeling back the layers of what makes yours truly yours truly!

A look into what makes Emily Carr Industrial Design Graduate-To-Be, Elen Danielle Sahrmann, tick... and where she plans to take her career in sustainable high fashion in our very near future.

Interview with DIY recording phenom, Jonah McGarva and the progressive-ambient group Anomaly.

And a whole lot more on the way!!!

Plus, if I have anything to say about it, more Totally Wasted Movie Reviews, random and raucous ramblings ala moi, new and old CD reviews, art, commentary, and life in general... and Thirty4Point5 t-shirts... yup... I said it... all designed by little ol' me!

...and, lest we forget: Updates on how my stalking is going in an effort to track down 'Twilight' beauty, Ashley Greene, as production continues here in Vancouver on the second installment of the vampire saga. :)

It's comin' together fast at Thirty4Point5... so make sure to add your name to the list of The Infected and get your updates before the rest of the world even knows they're behind... 'cause... they are...

p

Vanpuker: Too Much of a Good Thing

2009-04-13T07:09:00.006-07:00

When I moved to Vancouver from Southern California 15 years ago, it was such a breath of fresh air... new and special... that I may as well have just moved to the Moon. I remember, back then, how clean the city used to be... so clean, in fact, that I remember laughing whilst walking down Granville Street late at night because there were actually people power-washing the sidewalk. I remember thinking it was like walking down Main Street at Disneyland... nothing like that ever seemed to happen in California!

Those were good times, back then. Free. Open. Happy.

In California, as I've said a bazillion times over in my life, it always felt as if there was a tension between everybody. If you aren't my friend, you're my enemy... and there is no middle ground. In Vancouver, I discovered that the people didn't care how you dressed, what music you listened to, whether you were rich or poor, beautiful or... not so beautiful. People seemed to co-exist in a near Utopia.

The problem with any Utopia, however, is that it can sometimes be too good. Such has been the case with Vancouver. When you have such a special place, it doesn't take too long before everyone on the planet knows about it. Every visitor who returns home with stories of a 'real life Disneyland' infect every other person they come into contact with. Soon, everyone has visions of Vancouver shaped sugar plums dancing in their head... and the race to get there begins.

Now, I have no intention of laying out a socio-political landscape on the evolution of a city over a decade and a half arc, but I did want to mention a couple of things. The first thing I noticed was the ever increasing rental costs. When I moved here, only 15 years ago which, lets face it, in the history of man, is not a very long period of time, a one-bedroom apartment could be had for $675 per month. With costs like that, the city was flooded with artists, musicians and single people capable of affording a place of their own. In fact, I suspect, it was the low cost of housing that made Vancouver such a diverse and interesting city. When the people most in need of having access to restaurants, museums, theatres, concert halls and cabaret style venues have the resources to afford to live within walking distance of such an incredible hub of activity, a locally flavoured culture is bound to thrive. But when the demand to be in that hub suddenly reached unsupportable levels, real estate in Vancouver fell into the laps and dreams of investors looking to cash in on the new levels of demand for the limited supply... and rent prices began to increase. Today, that same $675 apartment would run you closer to $1,100 per month... in 15 years!

The result of this astronomical increase has been very noticeable. No longer able to afford to live where their culture was thriving, that diverse group of people fled the city like rats leaving a sinking ship. In their place came a culturally dysfunctional group of people who's goals were more independent of the whole. People focused on their careers rather than their culture. Fashion rather than family. Money rather than music. And with the influx of these people came all the things that made Southern California so unappealing to me... the competition. The "me" and "you."

This city is not what it once was. My Utopia has fallen.

On my walk to work this morning, every block along my path smelled as though I were strolling through a dirty ashtray. The only respite to be had from the stench came from the puddles of vomit I had to step around on every block! Garbage littered every inch of my path. Pigeons ate refuse like death row inmates feasting on their last meal. Untrusting and defensive glances were delivered by every person trodding along on an opposing vector. Where were the power washers? Where were the culturally rich people? Where was my Disneyland? Where was Vancouver?

I'm going to wrap this little tale of woe up now... otherwise I could easily extrapolate this tidbit into a 'War and Peace' sized epic... but I wanted to say; I'm leaving Vancouver. I'm not going far... just outside of the city core. I once believed that this would be my final resting place on the journey of my life, but not anymore. This city has run it's course... especially where I'm concerned. And, with the imposing threat of the 2010 Olympics descending upon this necropolis, it couldn't happen at a better time. I loved this city like a surrogate mother... now I just feel like I'm writhing around in her rotten, decayed belly... and... y'know..... that's kinda gross.

p

PC stands for "Peter Cares"

2009-04-12T11:58:00.012-07:00

So, in a totally uncharacteristic attempt to 'do the right thing,' I've had a quick run through my previous posts and edited out the most offensive of offensives... the F-bomb. It may seem like a simple and unnecessary censoring for a personal blog, especially given my generally lower-class sensibilities and affluence with such a useful expletive... but, it occurred to me, the abundance with which I use it became a little overbearing... even for me... and I actually want people to read this who are coming at it, and me, possibly for the first time, without moving on for my apparent lack of any higher communication skills. Never fear, though, the holocaust jokes will still make their way in... I'm not Mother Theresa... at least I don't think I am (hang on, I better check... ... ... nope, not Mother Theresa, and I definitely need a shower)... but I'm going to officially do my best for you, dear reader, to make this blog accessible to everyone who can appreciate good natured holocaust humour... which is hopefully nobody... which is why it makes for good humour...

With that said, Easter Shmeaster! Nobody hid any god damn chocolates for me... or... maybe they did and I'm just not looking hard enough.

WAIT!!!

I THINK I FOUND SOMETHING!!!

YES! YES I DID!!! Apparently I sharted a little whilst drunk and laughing my ass off at 'Twilight' last night... Thank you Jesus! This is the best Easter ever!!!

p

Totally Wasted Movie Reviews #1: 'Twilight'

2009-04-12T02:16:00.013-07:00

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA...oh boy... Spoilers ahead... guaranteed... so if you haven't seen this movie, maybe it's best if you don't read this... I'm just sayin'.....

okay... HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!.... let's get down to it... HAHAHHAHHAHAHHA.... pheeeew.... HAHAHHAHA!!!

I'm officially through 375ml of Bacardi's 'Gold' rum and I get it. I get it. I get it! (Jason, this blog is for you!)

I've taken approximately 9 pages of shitty notes and I intend to make my way through them in this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight....

Here we go:

I'm not sure if I'm just going to go note for note... or if I'm even going to pay attention to my notes... 'cause.... I'm kinda wasted... HUZZAH!!! But, before I even begin.... Alice!!! Alice!!! Alice!!!

I have no idea if the story calls for more on her part... or even who the actor is... but, I mean this in all sincerity when I say, Alice was HOT!!!! I mean that as someone who looks at the character/actress as someone who is my own age (as opposed to a 16 year old girl... who is, in fact, portrayed by Ashley Greene who happens to be 22 years old.... who also, coincidentally, reminds me of Ashley Scott, who is retardedly hot!!!)...

The DVD began with a shitty, shitty, shitty trailer (I love trailers) about some crappy High School film starring some actress who starred in High School Musical... so I don't mind admitting I was slightly terrified when the very first image crossed the screen. But then they gave me an 'Astro Boy' trailer and a 'Push' trailer (which I happened to see in the theatres and was surprised to say I enjoyed way more than I thought I would) so they managed to regain a little ground off the bat.

Before I knew it, 'Twilight' headed off in some of the hottest, most romantic quotes ever to be recorded on film... but allow me to digress...

As I said, I had zero interest in seeing this film. But, if truth be known (unless you know me well enough to already know this truth) I love a sappy love story. LOVE! So, in the scope of filmaic heritage, movies like 'Armageddon' and 'Pearl Harbour' (another Kate Beckinsale film that deepened my love for her beyond reason) ring far truer for me than most anything I can hope to experience... except for the love for my loves... which, despite my efforts, all end in tragedy...

With that said, I feel the only way to properly express what this movie meant to me at the moment it was unfolding is to begin this review with the quotes that stood out to me... so, here we go...

"Dieing for someone you love seems like a good way to go"

Seriously... can you think of anything hotter?

"What if I'm the bad guy?"

Holy crizzap... I haven't spent a day in 25 years when I haven't asked myself this question...

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you any more"

ummmmmmmm... HOT!

"I'm a killer... I'm designed to kill"

"I don't care"

again... HOT!

"I don't want to be a monster"

Holy crap.... holy.... crap.......

"It's like a human only living on tofu... it keeps you strong, but never fully satisfies"

ummmm..... ummmmm.... hell yeah!

"The younger we start out in a new place, the longer we can stay there"

uuuuggghhhh.... I know the feeling all too well...

"No bed?"

"I don't sleep"

Bingo, vampiric douchebag... welcome to my world...

"Since when do vampires like baseball?"

"Well, it is the American past-time"

Terrible scene... but amazing undertones....

"Death is easy... peaceful. Life is harder"

A-effing-men, vampire brother!

Anyway... this movie was abso-smurfly terrible. Bad beyond bad. Horrible beyond horrible... for any and every reason you could possibly imagine. But, I seriously haven't seen a hotter movie in a long, long time... maybe since 'Weird Science'

I have page after page of notes I could comment upon... but the truth is, I'm a sucker for a hard fought love story and this movie had me pointing at the screen yelling "HELL YEAH!" even more than it had me laughing... loudly... which it did.

Would I recommend seeing this film?

No.

But only because I know what a critical world we live in... especially where cinema is concerned. If 'Fast and Furious' isn't as funny as 'Schindlers List,' we just don't give it it's proper respects. So, my official opinion of 'Twilight' is this: I absolutely hated it. I absolutely loved it! Alice is HOT!!!!!!!

The end!

p

Ashley Greene = Alice... uuuuuggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid...

2009-04-11T21:18:00.008-07:00

One of the first concepts I had as a subject of writing when I considered beginning a stand alone blog (trust me... as simple as it is to just start a blog and write whatever comes to mind, my neurosis rolled around the idea for well over a year before I finally began this adventure...) was to do Totally Wasted Movie Reviews. The idea: get really, really drunk. Watch a never before seen movie. Write a review in my blog. Period. Not only did this offer up the opportunity to get wasted, watch films and write, but it also opened the door for me to... ummm... okay... you got me... there's no real moral high ground here, folks. In this case, the journey is the reward... and what a low brow journey I hope it will be.

So, without further adieu, lets get things rolling...

Tonight's movie will be 'Twilight.'

Now, before I begin let me say, I have absolutely zero interest in seeing this film. I've maybe seen the trailer for this movie 3 or 4 times tops... and every time I miss the last half because my eyes are rolled so far back in my head I've had to be rushed to the emergency room to have them straightened out again... apparently the fact that I'm not a 14 year old girl has caused me to be violenty allergic to this film. I think it's supposed to be about vampires with sullen looks and tweeny appeal... but that can't be right... right?

John Carpenters Vampires... now that's a vampire movie!

Underworld... not as vampirey, but c'mon... lets face it... Kate Beckinsale in a PVC body suit could sell Zyclon-B in Jerusalem (yeah, I said it)... and, therefore, another great vampire movie.

Shadow of the Bat... same... although, admittedly, not the same...

Hell, I'd even rather sit through Bram Stoker's Dracula just for the non-stop laughter Keanu's "British" accent provides me with. In fact, just thinking about it has me smiling from ear to ear. And really, I don't care what she steals from me, my love for Wynonna rivals Michael Jacksons love for... okay... I may make holocaust jokes, but I have to draw the line at MJ jokes... some things are just too easy...

This film, by comparison, just seem like a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad idea. However, being such an avid movie watcher, 'Twilight' was the only new DVD available that I haven't seen (and, technically, that's a lie... some crap, as drunk as I may be, will never be viewed if I can help it... but, considering my very real apprehension for seeing this film, juxtaposed against it's cult following, I almost couldn't help myself from diving into this celluloid nightmare). And you know what the real bitch about it was? I had a $17 late fee for 'Lego Batman' at the video store... so this better be worth it!

Alright. I've just finished my first Gold Rum and Rockstar. On my less than full stomach, I can sense already that this is about to get messy. I have some popcorn to make, a bag full of licorice to break into, and about 10 drinks left to get down before cutain time... but then it's on!

Be sure to check back in a few hours for this, the first edition of Totally Wasted Movie Reviews: Twilight...

To get things started, here's the trailer... I highly recommend dialing 9 and 1... and as soon as you feel the hemmoraging start, have your mom dial that last 1... and try to get that hot nurse that always wants to check me for a hernia when I pop by... but make sure she warms up her hands first... swoon :)

p

God bless Easter...

2009-04-11T18:56:00.003-07:00

This video has been making the rounds on Facebook via Youtube... so I thought I'd locate the source and direct you to those who deserve the credit. It's from here http://black20.com/ and it looks to me like there's at least 31 flavors of bad assedness on their site... so check 'em out!

It's a two-parter, so watch them both. I promise, it's worth it!

p

2 + 2 = 1

2009-04-10T23:30:00.001-07:00

I'm not even going to pretend to have anything of value to write about at the moment. I will apologize, though... 'cause I suspect, once this thing gets rolling, it will be a vacuous, self-serving, rant-n-roll about the most pedantic topics and irresponsible behaviour (not to mention caffeine-fueled, hyper-activity of the most sinister kind.... HEY! I said not to mention... I get away from myself some times) this side of the... ummmm... place that's somewhere over there... NO! over there... that's right... past the buck-toothed stripper with the tumor.

* Note to self: "tumor" and "240 pound bouncer/boyfriend" are two totally different things yet, surprisingly, neither one is good to have within earshot whilst espousing about the aforementioned teeth of the bucked kind or the stripper/girlfriend to whom they belong. Who knew? Now, would the designated driver please stand up, I may need some stitches.

Addendum: HA! Just kidding! I didn't need stitches after all....... this duct tape works just fine. Who's up for Jager-bombs?

oh yeah, I digress a lot... it's kind of my thing... like Fausto's knife tricks.

p